tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67446503415967142932024-03-08T06:45:37.202-05:00Widows PursuitsMore to Life than GriefCindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-62853723228193015302013-01-05T21:51:00.000-05:002013-01-05T21:51:06.731-05:00Please Jump Over For the New Year!Hi friends:<br />
I would like to keep connected to my blog members and friends by having you hop over to my new website. <a href="http://www.awidowspursuit.com/">www.awidowspursuit.com</a> <br />
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This blog remains helpful to widows that want to see how I managed grief in the first one and a half years of my widowhood. Since completing my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Pursuit-Finding-Theres-Grief/dp/0615731791/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357437979&sr=8-1&keywords=a+widows+pursuit">book,</a> that's being sold on amazon.com, I've decided to start the New Year with a new website. (Same as the title of my book "A Widow's Pursuit")<br />
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I'll be using my new website for posting grief resources and also sharing other widows' pursuits. Each widow's story is very unique with a common thread of grief similarities. Come join me this year on my new adventure and see how others are handling their grief. You will also find out about grief resources that may help you or someone you know in different situations. Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-37136967982097183062012-12-29T21:42:00.000-05:002012-12-29T21:42:30.512-05:00Happy New Year...Happier Blog Posts!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As 2012 winds down, I see how my life has been so blessed. With the completion of my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Pursuit-Finding-Theres-Grief/dp/0615731791/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356835000&sr=1-1&keywords=a+widow%27s+pursuit">book</a>, I can now focus on a different track for my blog posts. My story of grief and beyond is just one story. I'd like to share other widows' stories in the coming year. <br />
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I'd also like to share information about grief. Becoming a social worker has made me realize that knowledge is helpful in grief. I plan on posting articles from others that have informative advice or suggestions relating to grief. <br />
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Please e-mail me if you would like to share your story or have an article you'd like me to post to share with other widows. <a href="mailto:cindyspursuits@yahoo.com">cindyspursuits@yahoo.com</a> <br />
Blessings to all for a Happy and Healthy, New Year!!<br />
Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-54629464864014565282012-12-22T20:01:00.000-05:002012-12-22T20:03:57.816-05:00Book Give Away Winner for 12/21/12....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Peggy Sweeney! Congratulations Peggy!! <br />
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I want to thank all my blog members. Thank you!! I'll continue this blog in the New Year. I plan to post grief resources along with widows' personal stories in how they pursued their new goals and dreams. We each have a different and unique story to tell. <br />
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When I was a young widow with young children, one of the best things I ever did was to read other widows' personal stories of how they worked through their grief. It felt like they were my tour guide since no one else could understand what I was going through. That is one reason I wrote my book. <br />
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For my last book give away for December, become one of my Twitter followers, and tweet or retweet my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Pursuit-Finding-Theres-Grief/dp/0615731791/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356224598&sr=1-1&keywords=a+widow%27s+pursuit">book link</a>. I'll announce the winner next Saturday, 12/29/12. <br />
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Merry Christmas!!Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-66166074156176730522012-12-15T21:19:00.000-05:002012-12-15T21:19:59.828-05:00And the winner for this week, 12/14, is.....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Marisol Garza! Congratulations to Marisol who shared with her facebook friends, my book link to amazon.com. and won the first drawing of my December's book give away. Thank you to my other friends, Pat, Celinda, Trish, April, and Carol who also shared my link.<br />
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By sharing my story, I hope to help other widows by:<br />
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1) Providing them comfort that they are not alone in their grief<br />
2) Giving them insight into their own journeys<br />
3) Shedding light on the stages of grief and what to expect<br />
4) Preparing them for the normal, emotional and physical feelings that others may not understand<br />
5) Encouraging them to find God's guidance in their journeys<br />
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Please join my blog and become a member (if you're not already) and you'll be entered in the second drawing this month to win a free signed copy of my book. Drawing will be next Friday, 12/21/12. If for some reason you can't join (technology doesn't always cooperate!), leave me your name and contact info in the comments. Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-68622353026361016332012-12-08T15:55:00.000-05:002012-12-10T08:53:48.010-05:00December Book Give Away<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This month I will be giving a book away each week. For this week, please go to my <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/cindy.adams.39545">face book page</a> and share my most recent post on your page to be entered in my book give away. The winner will receive a free signed copy of my book. The drawing will be this Friday, 12/14/12.<br />
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I don't want to exclude anyone, so if you don't do facebook, please leave your name and contact info as a comment to this blog. Thank you!<br />
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<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-76640936806639467592012-12-01T17:11:00.000-05:002012-12-08T15:01:08.994-05:00When Grief Subsides....What's Beyond?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Grief a major part of a widow/widower's life. Although everyone works through grief in their own way, there are still some similarities. I'd guess the majority of widow/widowers go through various stages of shock, denial, guilt, anger, depression, and hopefully acceptance. But every journey will also be unique. <br />
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Once we work through our stages of grief and accept our loss, the grief begins to subside. Then we have to decide what we're going to do with our life. There are endless possibilities of new goals and dreams for our future. Each one of us will have a different story to tell. Some widows remarry within a few years. Some widows are content never to marry again. It is all an individual choice.<br />
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I spent 14 years of being a single widow, before I remarried. The first few years I worked through grief and also wanted to help my daughters through grief without adding a stepfather to their lives. I prayed for God's direction and went back to school while I declined a marriage proposal. There were choices I had to make and I chose to follow God's plan for my life. It made living more peaceful and easier. <br />
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In my book, <em>A WIDOW"S PURSUIT: Finding Out There's More to Life Than Grief, </em>I wrote about my challenges that I went through in grief and beyond. How I made new future dreams and goals. I share how I conquered many challenges of being an independent and single woman. (When I had no intentions of wanting to be single again!) But once I accepted my fate, I made the best of single life. <br />
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Not every widow will experience what I did. But this is my story. A personal memoir of how I pursued my faith to overcome grief and consequences to that decision is where I discovered an amazing life after my loss. I not only found purpose from my loss but I was rewarded with God's blessings and peace in my life. He was able to fulfill and sustain me through some of my darkest moments. <br />
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Once my grief subsided, and I began to make new goals, I felt like a butterfly, about to take her first flight. Each widow from this point will have a different story to tell. A different ending and a new beginning. I hope that I can encourage other widows not only by sharing the end of my grief but also by sharing my new beginnings. My book is now available on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Widows-Pursuit-Finding-Theres-Grief/dp/0615731791/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1354996245&sr=8-3&keywords=a+widows+pursuit">Amazon.com</a> <br />
<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-24716029003295989572012-11-24T22:04:00.001-05:002012-11-24T22:04:26.010-05:00A Time to Mourn, a Time to Dance...Be Careful!My first year of being a widow centered around my grief. It was all about me. Once I figured out I couldn't do it on my own, I surrendered to God to heal my broken heart. Then I mourned. It felt like knives stabbing my chest every night. I now know how a spouse can die from a broken heart. I never felt pain so deep and raw before. But every night, I poured out my grief until I was utterly exhausted and passed out.<br />
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I soon felt God's peace filling my emptiness. There was a bit of sadness when I no longer felt the deep pain since the pain made me feel closer to Nelson. But it began to subside in the second year of widowhood as I felt some moments of joy again. I began to make plans for my future after I had grieved for my dreams that were shattered. <br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VXe_qjMacPI/ULGJb8jdaNI/AAAAAAAAASw/InQRX2buSH4/s1600/MP900425533%5B1%5D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VXe_qjMacPI/ULGJb8jdaNI/AAAAAAAAASw/InQRX2buSH4/s200/MP900425533%5B1%5D.JPG" width="146" /></a>As I picked myself up, I signed up for a dance class to add some happiness to my life. The class was a Latin dance class and I loved the music. Once I started going to classes, I also began going out to dance clubs. This felt fun and exciting. I began to realize that this was one way to also get the attention from men that I was craving. <br />
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I met a nice guy while I was out dancing one night. Our relationship consisted of phone calls and sporadic nights of dancing. It met my physical needs when we slow danced. Soon he wanted more of a commitment. I ached for the physical touch but wasn't ready for an emotional attachment. I ended our friendship before one of us got hurt. I realized dancing with men could get complicated. <br />
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I continued going out dancing at every opportunity. It felt good. Much better than mourning and grieving. Dancing was enough for now. I was able to get the attention from men, but it ended on the dance floor. The music made me feel happy. I began meeting more people and even felt like life was coming back into me. <br />
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I reflected that dancing in the nightclubs had some drawbacks. I had to be careful not to find myself in vulnerable situations. I had a way of trusting people. I wanted to believe that men were just at the clubs to dance and have fun like I was. This single life was starting to have some fun moments but at the same time I had to keep my guard up. Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-32996733561970346822012-11-17T17:27:00.000-05:002012-11-17T17:27:18.847-05:00A Widow's Fear of the Future<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qivWsCI4qqA/UKgOETga5YI/AAAAAAAAASU/67a3ffIqsIs/s1600/IMG_1440.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qivWsCI4qqA/UKgOETga5YI/AAAAAAAAASU/67a3ffIqsIs/s200/IMG_1440.JPG" width="200" /></a>It was time to plan a future. The first year of widowhood was the hardest. The second year wasn't a piece of cake, but I felt a bit of joy at times and a little less pain. Once I accepted my loss and realized I was the head of my family now, it was time to move forward. I've written on moving forward at specific times in my grief before. Letting go of a spouse's possessions is just one example. I was beyond that. I was getting ready to move forward as a single individual ready to make future goals. </div>
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In one way it was an exciting feeling. I decided to take a 3 week course at my local college called, "Fresh Start". It was a program for single women who needed a fresh start in their lives. It provided the tools and resources to decide on a future plan and actions to take to achieve that goal. I also signed up for a dance class. <br />
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I decided a Latin dance class would be fun. The night I met Nelson, we were at a night club when I was eighteen. Being Puerto Rican, he had been a great Latin dancer. Five years later, we married. Through the years he had tried to teach me the dances, and I just figured there would be more time for dancing in the future. Didn't work out that way. So now, when I heard the Latin music, I had a desire to want to dance. I think it made me feel closer to Nelson again.<br />
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I sensed adventures on the horizon. Like a butterfly teetering on a branch before her first flight. Or right before you jump out of a plane to skydive! There seemed to be endless possibilities of direction. I sensed these college courses would change my life. I felt excited but also fearful of my future. I started to reflect on my past again.<br />
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For one and a half years, sorrow had filled my life. Sometimes I didn't want the sadness to leave. It felt like I was leaving Nelson behind. I guess I felt guilty. There was something familiar and comfortable with grief in my life. As painful as it was, it was still my comfort zone. I knew what to expect....cry...feel lonely....dread holidays and birthdays...dwell on certain memories....<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YvatiJxS5BQ/UKgOgyaItrI/AAAAAAAAASc/xXleXQBjINg/s1600/IMG_1455.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YvatiJxS5BQ/UKgOgyaItrI/AAAAAAAAASc/xXleXQBjINg/s200/IMG_1455.JPG" width="200" /></a>So now, to embark on a new future, I had to step out of my comfort zone. This was scary and unfamiliar. I was fearful of the future with no idea of what to expect. However, I could stay in my comfort zone of sorrow, for as long as I wanted, or I could explore a new experience. To me, the second option sounded more appealing and exciting. Yes, it was scary, but just like jumping out of a plane, (Which I did for the first time last year!) the fear leaves soon after the initial jump.Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-92076911022838404972012-11-10T21:59:00.000-05:002012-11-10T21:59:32.230-05:00Praying for Direction after Loss<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It took about a year and a half of widowhood to finally accept the fact that life would go on and I had to make new goals and dreams. My previous ones vanished without warning. So here I was, widowed (in other words...single) and raising two little girls. What do I do now?<br />
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So I prayed. I figured that God knew this was going to happen. So He should have a new plan for me. But what could it be?<br />
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"God, help me hear your voice and direct me to a new constructive change in my life. I'm getting bored of the same routine."<br />
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Later that day, I stopped by the library and ran into a recently young widowed friend. "Hi, Fran." I sat down at her table. "How are you?" She picked up a college paper next to her. "Pretty good. I just finished a class at Daytona Beach College. You might be interested." She found the page and handed it to me. "It's called Fresh Start. The class is for widows like us who need a new start in life. There's a three-week course in November."<br />
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"Is this a sign, God?" I read the course description. "It sounds perfect for me. This will help me find out what I want to do with my life."<br />
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I hugged Fran. "I think you're God's angel today. You were an answer to prayer!"Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-58831550983062386282012-11-03T20:27:00.000-04:002012-11-03T20:29:38.584-04:00How do we know our child's depressed in grief?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Depression in grief was sometimes hard to shake. It came in the first year of widowhood and then made another appearance in the second year. Since I wasn't normally prone to depression, it frustrated me even more that I would be in that state. Logically, I knew that I had to be proactive to pull myself out of it. <br />
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Fighting the blues meant paying less attention to my girls. I also knew I'd be no help to them if depression pulled me under. So I did whatever was in my power to fight it. I forced myself to pray, exercise, eat well, sleep enough and keep social. <br />
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I then took a trip to visit some friends. As I sat on the beach one night and gazed at the sunset, I felt God's peace. I realized I had to appreciate what I had and life wasn't all that bad. I had wonderful friends and God created such a beautiful world. My mood started to pick up and I was able to conquer my depression.<br />
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Back at home a new school year began. When report cards came out, I was shocked. "Jessica! Your grades dropped!" Jessica turned the TV on and sat down in front of it. "So." I pushed on. "So...you need to study more." Jessica looked at me. "I don't want to." I flipped the TV off. "You have chores to do, also!"<br />
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"You can't make me do anything!" Jessica stormed out to the garage, hopped on her bike and sped down the road. I stood there, speechless. She's nine years old and running away. She hates her life. She returned 20 minutes later. After dinner, she was restricted to her room. She fell asleep early, without a fight.<br />
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Before I went to bed, I peeked in her room. She had put a picture of her daddy next to her bed. So that's what this is about! Why didn't I see it? She's still hurting and is depressed. I realized that my daughter had lived through not only the loss of her father, but also from the loss of love from her mother. <br />
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Finally out of my depression, I had to help my daughter out of hers and let her know that life wasn't that bad and I was here to love her!Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-79423711637672965312012-10-27T12:02:00.000-04:002012-10-27T12:02:13.235-04:00Dating vs. Children...What's a Widow's Priority?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I finally got to the place, in my second year of widowhood, that I felt ready to date. I had broken the attachment I had with my late husband. I found someone that I was interested in and felt some happy moments. We first met at a party and from there, our friendship grew from our phone calls. When he asked me out for our first date, I took some time to think about it. This was a big step. <br />
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Once I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be in a dating relationship, I was ready to go out with this new man. I think he sensed my hesitation in the beginning. We had to reschedule our first date due to bad weather for a boat ride so I patiently waited for the next opportunity. The day finally came. He asked me to go out that following Wednesday night for dinner and a boat ride. <br />
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Oh no! That was my daughter's, birthday. I recently felt that I had been taken care of my children's physical needs of being fed, clothed, and involved in activities, however, I also felt I'd been depriving them of their emotional needs. I already planned that I would be spending the day with Jessica on her birthday.<br />
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I couldn't believe I waited so long to go out with this man, and of all days! Why Wednesday? My heart sank. "I'm gonna have to pass. I'm so sorry. Can we do it next week?" A silent moment passed. "I'll call you back." He never did. <br />
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Our timing was off. I may have felt ready to date, but it couldn't be my priority. My daughters needed me. They didn't need their mother giving attention to a man; they needed their mother giving attention to them. I had to rebuild a relationship with my children before building a relationship with a new man. <br />
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I'm here to tell you many years later, that raising children on my own was one of the hardest jobs I've ever had to do. I was able to build such strong bonds with each of my daughters that we are very best friends today. If I hadn't taken them as my priority, to let them both know just how special they were, I'm not sure they would have the self-confidence and joyful spirit that they have today. Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-62390670055449327732012-10-20T12:14:00.000-04:002012-10-20T12:14:20.165-04:00My Broken Bond in Widowhood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My heart had belonged to Nelson. It yearned for no one else as if still attached to my former husband. And then one day it happened. I met a guy and felt an attraction. For the first time in over a year, I felt a bit of excitement when talking with another man.<br />
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Our friendship started to slowly grow as we had more phone calls in getting to know each other. Toward the end of one of our phone conversations, this man asked me out for lunch. At this point I panicked. Oh no! I don't know. I was scared. This would be a big step. I told him I needed some time to think about it.<br />
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Days passed without a phone call. A complex fear began to grow in my life. I lost my appetite and had problems sleeping. My heart struggled against my mind. I could not resolve the battle within me. I didn't understand what was holding me back. Was it because this was the first attraction to another man? I felt as though my heart was trying to escape from my hold.<br />
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I allowed myself to feel happy with this new man. Suddenly, my emotional bond with my former husband broke free like a rubber band stretched to its limit and then snaps apart. In one way I felt severely depressed about the finality of my loss and in another way my heart felt freed to love again. <br />
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Once our phone calls started up again, I was ready to see him. We made a date to go out for a boat ride. The day arrived along with a downpour of rain. We had to cancel our plans. Disappointed, I waited for our next opportunity. I was ready to start a relationship with this new man. It was as though I had broken the attachment with my former husband in my widowhood. <br />
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So where would this lead me? Was I really ready for a relationship? Would this fit into my life with children and career goals? I really didn't know, but it felt exciting. For a moment, I felt happy. I wanted to savor the feeling that I hadn't felt in quite a while. Stay tuned.....<br />
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<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-27130076014860338102012-10-13T09:29:00.000-04:002012-10-13T09:29:49.431-04:00A Widow's Time to Surrender<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I had come a long way in my widowhood. As time marched on in the second year, I had a new awakening. I heard in church one Sunday that a church friend's husband had died that week from a sudden heart attack. How sad. She's going to be a young widow like I am with 2 children. I finally understood why everyone was crying for me when Nelson died. They were not only sad for his death, but they were sad for me, too. At the time I didn't get it. I was in God's cocoon and couldn't see my future. <br />
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I felt like I broke out of my cocoon and transformed to a young butterfly. The pain was finally subsiding. I had accepted my loss and felt ready to make future plans. I needed to search my options for the coming year. I sensed there was nothing holding me back. My confidence was high. And just like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, there were heights I could reach that a caterpillar could only dream of. <br />
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I began to consider that college would be a smart choice for a new career goal. I had been a hairdresser and then a substitute teacher at an elementary schoool. I had taken one Spanish class about 20 years ago which was the extent of my college background! But now, I wanted a career to help people that were struggling with pain. I knew what that felt like. Perhaps obtaining a counseling degree. I was fortunate enough to have family and friends that provided me support in my grief.<br />
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I was at a place where I had to make new dreams and goals for my life. The ones I had were shattered and destroyed. But what if I started on my way with new goals and the same thing happens? What if I invest years of time into something that never materializes? I was 36 six years old. We're talking years of homework and sacrificing much of my social life. Would it be worth the years of effort?<br />
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Then I wondered, where did God want me to start? You would think I would have gotten it by now. I believed God was in control of it all. Why did I think or even consider that I could do it on my own. I had begun to realize that if I'm living in God's will for my life, everything goes smoothly and I feel His peace. When I'm going against His plan for my life, things don't work as well. This was not an easy lesson to learn. But I realized that it was time to surrender.<br />
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And WHY should I surrender? Because I knew if I prayed and listened carefully for God's direction, he would not lead me astray. I knew that whatever He had planned for my future He would give me the strength to do it. If I went against His will, there would be consequences. And afterall, my dreams and goals were already shattered once, why try to do it my way if it wasn't going to work anyway. Might as well surrender to God and find out what He wants to do with my life!Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-25362609917863922242012-10-06T12:14:00.000-04:002012-10-06T12:14:02.164-04:00Don't Be a Vulnerable Widow Like I Was<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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During my first and second year of widowhood, I trusted most men that knew my former husband. I assumed the last thing they would ever do was disrespect him or me. I felt that Nelson's friends were my friends and we shared a connection. Little did I know, there were men, that knew my husband, and would wait for a vulnerable moment with a widow. <br />
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It happened to me one evening at a friend's birthday party. I knew everyone there and most of them had been Nelson's friends, also. I wasn't ready to date but I did enjoy the conversation and attention from other males. My first mistake was trying a new drink that made me a little tipsy.<br />
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Caught off guard, a sympathetic friend, that knew Nelson, sat next to me. While we talked, he casually touched my shoulder and arm now and then. It seemed very innocent and I didn't think too much about it. But then, he touched my leg! Oh no! I didn't feel that was proper. I froze. Maybe it was an accident. He was married!<br />
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It happened a few more times. I felt it was inappropriate but I couldn't say anything to him. There were people all around us. How much more obvious could he be? I excused myself to the bathroom. When I stood up, I quickly grabbed the chair to catch my balance. Whew! I shouldn't have had that drink.<br />
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When I exited the bathroom into the dark, master bedroom, he was there... silently waiting. As he approached me, I slowly processed what was going on in my fuzzy mind. He clenched my arm. I pulled back. He tried to quietly convince me that I wanted and needed him. HOW DARE HE! I jerked away and escaped his hold relaying the message that I wasn't interested. <br />
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I bolted out of the bedroom. How could he think he'd get away with that? I should have said something on the first improper touch. That was the one and only time that ever happened to me. So widows beware!! If anyone else has a story to share that might help a vulnerable widow, please share.Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-27463591160264692652012-09-29T14:14:00.000-04:002012-09-29T14:15:35.982-04:00My First Date....What about my rings?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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With conflicting feelings, I made the decision to go on my first date, on July 4th, in my 15th month of widowhood. I couldn't believe I was actually going to go through with this. I was both nervous and excited. I felt like a little girl preparing to step out in the big world. There was a part of me that was very scared.<br />
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I found my manicure set and began pampering myself. I studied my hands. My wedding rings...still on my left hand. I should at least move them to my right. I solemnly switched them. This was a step toward my independence. How interesting that I was changing them on July 4th...Independence Day.<br />
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It seemed like the right time to move forward. To me, changing the rings to my right hand signified that I was no longer married, but I still couldn't bear to take them off. It symbolized the love I lived for so many years. I felt that if I kept them on my left hand, it would show disrespect to my former husband and to my date. <br />
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I wasn't exactly sure why I wanted to date. Especially since I had been so set against it. I guess part of me wanted that male attention. Phil picked me up and we went to a very nice restaurant. Even though I was bombarded with thoughts of, "I can't believe I'm doing this!", I felt very comfortable in Phil's company. My need for male conversation and attention was met during dinner. It stopped there. <br />
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I wasn't sure if Phil expected more but my body language spewed out frigid phrases as: "Don't touch me!" and "Don't even think about a kiss!" He was a gentleman and I believe he read my body language very well. Although the evening had fun moments, I realized I wasn't ready for dating. <br />
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My heart still ached for Nelson. Maybe one day I'd be ready, but not now.Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-20948538542346866252012-09-22T21:26:00.000-04:002012-09-22T21:26:22.280-04:00Should I or Shouldn't I....Date? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was 15 months into widowhood. My girlfriends were my source of friendship and socializing. Up to now, I had no intentions of getting remarried, or to even go on a date. My friend Lisa introduced me to a single man and a group of us went out for lunch. I was only interested at this time to have a friendship with a male. <br />
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About a month after our group lunch, this man asked me to get together for July 4th. At first I agreed, but as the day got closer, I cancelled. That would've been too much like a date! I couldn't do it. What do other widows do in this situation? I decided to read about other widows' experiences with this topic.<br />
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I read about a widow that was 30 years older than me. It was interesting to find out that she did not rely on the Lord like I had, but instead used resources such as support groups. I realized that regardless of how we each worked through grief, we still had similar feelings. <br />
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This woman told of one of her first dates on July 4th, in her 15th month of widowhood. As she nervously prepared, she yearned not only for finding a male friend but also to have more physical contact. I was also going into my 15th month and how coincidental that I could go out on my first date on July 4th. I really just wanted some attention from a male and have a male friend. Nothing more. <br />
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The following day, I called my "male friend" and told him I'd get together with him for July 4th. "Great, let me take you out to dinner." I accepted his offer. Suddenly, I felt this would be more than just a friendship dinner. It was going to be a date. Should I or shouldn't I? It was a little bit too late to back out. There was something inside me that felt excited about it. I couldn't believe I was going through with it!<br />
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Life quickly got more complicated. I recently said I didn't want to date. No one was ever going to take Nelson's place so why would I even date anyone. But I also liked the attention I was receiving from this man. What was so wrong with that since we were just friends? Couldn't we remain friends? So if we were just friends going out to dinner, would this actually be a DATE??? Any comments?<br />
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Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-23314290804532792392012-09-15T10:29:00.000-04:002012-09-15T10:29:55.975-04:00I Just Wanted a Male Friend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Is there such a thing as having male friends when you're a grieving widow?? I guess it depends if that male is satisfied with only being a friend. As simple as this concept seemed, it felt more complicated. Having an enormous void in my life, from my husband's death over a year ago, I didn't want any committed relationship but a male friend would have been nice. <br />
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My new friend, Lisa, wanted to help. She had a single man in mind. In a vulnerable moment, I agreed to meet this man. The day landed on "Memorial Day", and it was a memory I'll never forget. We decided that both our families and "Phil" would meet at the pizzeria. This way, it wasn't actually a date. <br />
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My daughters, Jessica, 8 yrs old, and Nicole, 7 yrs old, intuitively knew something was up. Throughout lunch, they kept a close eye on me. Phil had a great sense of humor like my husband did. I liked that. But he wasn't as tall. I realized I was comparing Phil to my former husband and knew this wasn't fair to Phil.<br />
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"I had a good time, Phil," I said as we walked out to the parking lot. "It was nice meeting you." Nicole pulled on my arm towards our car to end any more conversation. Jessica glared at me while she fastened her seatbelt. "Mom...you're never going to marry again!" Nicole then added from the backseat, "And I'll kill anyone that tries to marry you!" As I replied, "He's just a friend."<br />
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Poor Phil...our first victim. A little over a week ago I said I wouldn't date anyone. I only wanted to meet Phil to become friends. But why did I want a male friend? I wasn't sure, but meeting a new man was kind of exciting. <br />
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I had started new relationships with girlfriends and decided it would be nice to have some guy friends. This I thought would satisfy a void. And could I stop with just being "friends"? I was hoping I could. Can any other widows relate?Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-63848786354875903642012-09-08T17:27:00.000-04:002012-09-08T17:27:24.309-04:00New Awakening in Grief - New Friends<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Once I accepted being a widow and life would never be the same, I knew challenges were on the horizon. I was focused on my loss for over a year, feeling as if I was in a thick fog, and could only see a few feet in front of me. Now the fog was lifting and I could see different scenery. One of my first experiences was making new friends. <br />
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Lisa and her family moved in across the street from us. When I told her my widowed stories, she empathized with my loss. When I spoke about Nelson to my other friends that were grieving him also, I felt his absence.With Lisa, she just listened to me and felt sorry that I was a widow. <br />
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New friendships began to feel good. It signified my life as an individual and brought more independence to my life. I couldn't rely on Nelson to keep the conversation going. Besides, Nelson had been the life of the party. My new friends never experienced that so it was easier not to have to fill those shoes. <br />
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Lisa thought I should be dating since it had been over a year. I didn't feel ready for dates but I did contemplate male friendship. Was that possible? Nelson was my best friend, so I never needed any other male friends. Of course, my girlfriends' husbands were my friends, but I wouldn't call them up on the phone to chat. <br />
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I was still content with just my girlfriends. My social life increased as I accepted more get togethers with new and old friends. This was a huge step. The first year of widowhood I preferred to be around familiar friends in small gatherings. Now, as God placed new people in my life, I saw the value in new friends. <br />
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Having new friends, meant new adventures. It was a way to keep moving through grief. God brought me new friends for different reasons. My new friend Lisa had an agenda. She did not want me to remain single. Read more next week when Lisa talks me into meeting my first male friend. Do other widows have friends like this?<br />
<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-53102412272506286022012-09-01T13:33:00.000-04:002012-09-01T13:33:52.937-04:00Look How Far I've Come. What Next?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Since this past January, I've shared with you my first year of widowhood. Which also meant, living through the hardest part of grief. It was all about me and trying to see through the fog that had engulfed me. It was like, I couldn't really see where I was going. I made some wrong turns, went off course, (sometimes waaaaayyyyyy off course), got back on track, then stumbled on my way again. <br />
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Looking back, part 1 of my journey was over. It was similar to walking through the thickest part of the forest and I was beginning to see light filtering through the trees. I still had a ways to go as I continued on. I had to make a new life in part 2. This required accepting I was a widow. Hated that word! I preferred to think of myself as an independent woman that had an agenda to pursue. <br />
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In pursuing new goals and dreams, there were new awakenings that caught me off guard. I began making new friends but ran into problems when I not only made new girlfriends, but wanted male friends, too. This became very confusing. So then began new experiences of dating, a vulnerable situation, new male relationships, and what to do with my rings.<br />
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And just like I had no idea what to do in the first steps of being a widow, the second part felt just as foreign. Please continue my journey with me as I figure out where I want to go in life. How do I make new dreams? What kind of goals is God leading me to? What are my new priorities in life? And how do I reach the completion of grief and go beyond to find abundant joy and purpose? <br />
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I do confess that by this time, in my second year, I'm trying to follow God's plan for my life. And where I end up, I couldn't have been happier or more purpose filled. You'll soon find out that I've written a book and I'm currently in the process of getting it published. Again, it's all in God's timing.<br />
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Stay tuned next week for the beginning of part 2 of the new challenges I had to face. You can also type in your e-mail address (see blog's right side) and automatically get my blog posts e-mailed to you every week. Also, please join my site if you're able to. This shows me who stops by and reads my posts. That means a lot to me:) Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-52376197827514052702012-08-25T11:57:00.000-04:002012-08-25T11:57:51.165-04:00"I'll Never Marry Again!" (Did I say NEVER?)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So it was just over a year that I became a widow. I was doing ok. I had my good days and my not so good days. But over all, life was tolerable. I was getting use to being a single mom and accepting the fact that this was my new and permanent life. <br />
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"Are you dating anyone?" A family member innocently asked me. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ASKED ME THAT! "No, and I don't plan to," I said. "Nobody will ever take Nelson's place, and I'll never marry again." He looked at me doubtfully.<br />
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I didn't understand why people would ask me that question. Couldn't they understand if you love someone with all your heart you won't desire anyone else. I already felt the Lord would always take care of my family. I clung to the Scripture verse that stated it was better to stay unmarried:<br />
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1 Corinthians 7: 8-9 "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say; It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am, But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."<br />
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If I could continue to have self-control, this is what the Lord would prefer. I had to understand that everyone had their own opinion. It didn't make sense to argue. I knew in my heart that I would remain single to probably the day I died. <br />
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Well, I did remain single for many years until seven years into my widowhood I met someone that I couldn't live without. As much as I had enjoyed my single life and independence, there still wasn't anything that beats having someone to love and to be loved in return.<br />
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I've been remarried now for three wonderful years. One lesson I've learned is to treasure every relationship every day because we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Nothing is permanent, it's just temporarily beautiful!<br />
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<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-53672224640342862502012-08-18T10:20:00.000-04:002012-08-18T10:20:08.299-04:00A Child's Time to Grieve<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As an adult, in a dangerous situation, we put the oxygen mask on ourself first, and then we give it to our child. Well, widowhood was like a disaster that hit my life. In the first year of grief, I needed everyone else's help before I could help my children. My daughters, 6 and 7 at the time, not only didn't have a father that first year, but their mother was absent as well. <br />
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I felt depleted. I was emotionally unavailable to them and wrapped up in my own grief. The little sense I did have, I made sure they met with their school counselor. I had no idea how they were processing their grief and if they were even doing ok. <br />
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We also had some family conferences with the guidance counselor. My daughters were able to talk about their feelings. The counselor reassured me that they had a healthy understanding of what happened. This relieved me since I had been consumed with my own thoughts. Even though we lived under the same roof I had no idea how my children were coping.<br />
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I kept going that first year mainly on faith. I didn't feel death was final when I had hope in eternal life. I know my girls heard me say that alot. I also think God was carrying them that first year. I imagined they were cradled in His arms as a protecting Father until I was well enough to meet their physical and emotional needs. I think the spiritual needs were covered.<br />
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Once the first year of widowhood was behind me, I felt stronger. I thought more about my children's needs. My oldest daughter attended a weekend hospice camp, for children who had lost a loved one. The day I picked her up they had closing ceremonies. Each child shared an experience from the weekend. I didn't know whether to feel happy or sad for them. It was tragic these children suffered a loss but fortunate that they found joy again. <br />
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The following year, both my girls attended the hospice camp and also went to a children's eight week hospice grief support group. A counselor told me it can take children up to four and a half years to work through grief. So after the first year of it being ALL ABOUT ME, for several years after it was then ALL ABOUT THEM. There were times I was ready to move on, to new goals and relationships, but I backed up and sacrificed moving forward until my children caught up.<br />
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<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-40191388064957085002012-08-11T10:46:00.000-04:002012-08-11T10:46:56.418-04:00A Year Gone By<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I don't know why, but I felt like it was a big accomplishment to make it through the first year of widowhood. I wanted to scream, "I made it!" (Whatever that meant.) It was a milestone. It was one full year of living through every holiday, birthday, anniversary, and season without my loved one. It had to be the worst year ever. And it was finally over.<br />
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With a sigh of relief, the time seemed right to clean out the rest of Nelson's possessions. Whatever I couldn't keep, I gave to family or friends. This was done of course on my good days. I moved in life as though in waves. Sometimes I'd forge ahead a little happier with energy, and then just as quickly, get drawn back into sadness and knocked down in despair. <br />
<br />During this time, I recognized my friends' compassion, who knew our situation, and how much of a difference this made on our family. A few months ago, what seemed like a good idea to move out of state, I realized it had been a terrible idea. "Thank you, God, that I listened to my friends who told me not to do anything for a year." Now, I couldn't imagine life without our friends' love and support. <br />
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I began accepting more social invitations. I noticed that the more outgoing I became, the more sociable people were towards me. As my self-confidence grew, it became easier to fight my negative feelings. And those depressed feelings were sometimes right around the corner. At times I had control over my emotions and at other times I'd lose control and feel like he just died the other day.<br />
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One of the hardest situations I still had to face, was attending my children's school functions. I proudly watched as they participated in the end of the year talent show to show off their dance and gymnastic abilities. I was on cloud nine watching them but once it ended my mood sank as I watched the other dads applaud. Knowing that my daughters will never experience their father's approval again, how sad is that?!!<br />
<br />So I began giving myself the "Blessing Lecture" every time I felt like I was going down. God blessed us with a certain amount of years with Nelson. When Nelson was on this earth, he filled us with more love than some people hardly find in a life time. We had wonderful memories of him as a husband and father. This helped me to pick myself up, brush off my tears, and saddle back into living life. Living life with amazing daughters, a wonderful family, and irreplaceable friends!Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-54755105818957396732012-08-04T13:44:00.000-04:002012-08-04T13:55:43.826-04:00A Widow's Commemoration<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I would imagine that most widows dread the anniversary day of their husbands death. Especially the first year. Kind of like a holiday or birthday, it's a BIG one. As the day approached for me, I contemplated what to do. It felt too big of a day NOT to talk about it. But who would really bring the subject up? I realized that I would have to make the effort to talk or suffer alone in silence.<br />
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"I'll invite our friends to go out on the thirteenth, in memory of Nelson. Why ignore the day? It would just make the pain worse. This way, we can be together to comfort each other." For our night out, my friends and I went to a neighborhood pizzeria. It was four couples and myself, which accentuated Nelson's absence all the more. Our evening consisted of sharing our memories of Nelson.<br />
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The evening seemed healing for not only me but my friends, too. Not one of us had wanted Nelson to die. He was a wonderful person. We all had funny memorable stories to share. We laughed together and I felt a sense of joy to have these wonderful friends in my life. I bought a round of drinks and toasted to everyone's glass, "I couldn't have done it without each and every one of you this past year." <br />
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I felt Nelson was close by. I wondered if our feelings and soul could connect to the spiritual world. Or did I just want him here so badly? I knew I wouldn't know that answer until I died. So for now, I decided to enjoy the relationships of family and friends that were presently in my life. And this special night would become a new memory. A memory of how much my friends loved me.<br />
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"Cindy, these are for you." Sal handed me a bouquet of roses. "Nelson would have bought them for you." Tears filled my eyes. "All of you are so sweet. I couldn't have made it through this day without your company." And to this day, many years later, I have memories of that evening. Of the first anniversary of my former husband's passing. Memories that are so sweet. Good memories. <br />
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There are other ways to commemorate. Coming from another widow's blog, <a href="http://www.heartachetohealing.com/">Heatache to Healing</a>, read Joanne's post, "<a href="http://heartachetohealing.com/how-do-you-deal-with-grief/time-celebrate-remember/">As Time Goes By - Celebrate and Remember</a>". She begins; Do you remember the song<em><strong> “As Time Goes By?” </strong> </em>it was made famous in the movie “Casablanca” and hundreds of artists have performed it over the years. Time going by is a fact of life and yet when you are grieving the loss of a loved one time can feel as if it stopped. <br />
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So if you are contemplating what to do on that memorable day, I hope you don't suffer in silence. Call a friend and make a plan. Share stories of your loved one. Laugh, cry, and reminisce. You may find that you'll be making new memories, too. And it may help to soften the pain just a little more. "Cheers, to you and your support system that keep you going!"Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-31427283948063788982012-07-28T10:29:00.000-04:002012-07-28T10:32:37.918-04:00When PTSD Strikes in Grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As if going through the emotional stages of grief aren't enough...shock, denial, anger, depression, and guilt. Then I found out there are physical symptoms of distress. The first year of widowhood is just crazy!<br />
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I didn't know at times if I was coming or going but I couldn't stop moving. Sometimes this meant traveling the U.S. to visit our family and friends. Other times it meant talking on the phone just about all night because I didn't want to go to bed alone. The adrenaline I had pumping through my body felt like a steady flow of caffeine. Eventually my body said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!<br />
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As the one year anniversary approached, that I became a widow, I caught a cold. Not only did I feel tired and fatigued but I ended up physically and emotionally drained. At first, I didn't understand why I felt so run down and couldn't get better. I was told from a friend, who had also experienced a tragic loss in her life, "It sounds like post-traumatic stress disorder." She explained that stress from a past event will bring the illness on. Your body breaks down from all the pain it's lived through. <br />
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I realized that I had neglected my body pretty badly this past year. I had multiple sleepless nights from anxiety, as if I had drank endless pots of coffee. "And you traveled the world, never stopping to catch your breath," my friend, Carol reminded me. "You were probably scared to stop, to face what happened." And once I thought about it I realized that I didn't want to stop. But now I had to. My body was too exhausted. But I felt better that I now had a logical explanation. <br />
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It was now a time to rest. The Lord says in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I knew the time had come. <span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
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My blogger friend, Ferree, from <a href="http://www.widowschristianplace.com/">Widows Christian Place</a>, raises an interesting question as her blog post this past month....<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Does Resting in the Lord Equal Trusting in the Lord?</span></strong><br />
Ferree writes....I came across the following passage and thought it fits perfectly with my Saturday's theme of urging widows to rest. Grief drains, exhausts, and stresses people out emotionally, spiritually and physically. Rest in each of those areas is essential. Here's a good analogy.....click <a href="http://www.widowschristianplace.com/2012/06/does-resting-in-lord-equal-trusting-in.html">here </a>for the rest of Ferree's post from Widows Christian Place. <br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span>Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6744650341596714293.post-41270651201659945702012-07-21T08:43:00.000-04:002012-07-21T08:43:19.032-04:00Joy After the Mourning<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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One of my first sighs of relief, came right before the first year anniversary of my former husband's death. It felt as if I had been on a very long journey and I got to finally stop and rest for a short while. I was tired of mourning. Grief in the first year of widowhood was just down right exhausting! <br />
<br />Instead of withdrawing into sadness as the one year anniversary approached, my busy schedule kept me moving ahead. I reached a new stage in my grief journey where for short periods, I could find comfort and happiness. I found a weekend to myself when my daughters had a weekend sleepover.With no parental responsibilities, I made up my mind to go out and have fun. <br />
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I went out dancing and socializing with some friends and it felt good to have some excitement back in my life. This may have been a turning point and revelation that there was more to life than grief. I also began to realize how powerful the mind is when you put your mind to something. <br />
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I knew there was going to be more sad and depressed days. More disorientated feelings of ups and downs. This was natural. But I was satisfied that I could find 10 to 20 percent of my days becoming more joyful than I had within the last year. Some people would say,"Oh, I still feel sad and depressed most of the time...80 to 90 percent of the time". I saw my glass 10 to 20 percent filled.<br />
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I'm a believer that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% in how we react to it. It's in our attitude. What good does it do to beat ourselves up over becoming a widow? Can we change anything back? No. And of course we didn't want this to happen. In fact we wished it never did. But unfortunately it happened. <br />
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Now, I was in the middle of a transformation in my life. I wasn't sure at this point what I'd be changing into, but I knew that I was in the process of finding a new me. And I knew deep down somewhere that I wanted to be happy again. God promises us that, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5 NKJV). <br />
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<br />Cindy Adamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06331985802437217362noreply@blogger.com2