Saturday, October 20, 2012

My Broken Bond in Widowhood

My heart had belonged to Nelson. It yearned for no one else as if still attached to my former husband. And then one day it happened. I met a guy and felt an attraction. For the first time in over a year, I felt a bit of excitement when talking with another man.

Our friendship started to slowly grow as we had more phone calls in getting to know each other. Toward the end of one of our phone conversations, this man asked me out for lunch. At this point I panicked. Oh no! I don't know. I was scared. This would be a big step. I told him I needed some time to think about it.

Days passed without a phone call. A complex fear began to grow in my life. I lost my appetite and had problems sleeping. My heart struggled against my mind. I could not resolve the battle within me. I didn't understand what was holding me back. Was it because this was the first attraction to another man? I felt as though my heart was trying to escape from my hold.

I allowed myself to feel happy with this new man. Suddenly, my emotional bond with my former husband broke free like a rubber band stretched to its limit and then snaps apart. In one way I felt severely depressed about the finality of my loss and in another way my heart felt freed to love again.

Once our phone calls started up again, I was ready to see him. We made a date to go out for a boat ride. The day arrived along with a downpour of rain. We had to cancel our plans. Disappointed, I waited for our next opportunity. I was ready to start a relationship with this new man. It was as though I had broken the attachment with my former husband in my widowhood.

So where would this lead me? Was I really ready for a relationship? Would this fit into my life with children and career goals? I really didn't know, but it felt exciting. For a moment, I felt happy. I wanted to savor the feeling that I hadn't felt in quite a while. Stay tuned.....

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