I believe in prayer. I believe in miracles. But what if prayers don't get answered the way we want? Do we still believe?
I had a fairy tale life. I married my first husband, Nelson, in 1983. We waited a few years before having children so we could have our time. Our first daughter, Jessica, was born in 1987, and then, Nicole, in 1989. We were a happy family living our dreams!
So in 1990, when my husband was in a bad car accident that put him on disability for a year with back problems, life got a little shaky. There came a point when the doctor refused to give him any more pain meds and said he needed back surgery. He could barely get off the couch because of the pain. We were scared! And 22 years ago, surgery was riskier! So I began to pray!! I prayed in the shower, doing daily chores, while my daughters were napping, on my knees beside my bed, whenever I had the chance.
I became a prayer warrior. And as days, weeks, and months, went by, each day Nelson told me he felt a little better. He was eventually released to go back to work. Now that was a miracle from God!!
So fast forward to 1995. Nelson ends up in the hospital with pneumonia. More complications arise and he's put on a respirator. Well, the prayer warrior in me starts again. I believed, without a doubt, that God could heal him again. He did it once, so why wouldn't he do it this time? God had to heal him!
I continued to hold onto hope throughout the 3 weeks that Nelson was in the hospital. Up to the last day, I knew that if God wanted to, He could heal him. But He didn't. Nelson died after his lungs collapsed. My hope was gone, my dreams were shattered. God didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. Why not? Dazed and numb, I couldn't understand God's answer at the time.
As I began to learn through the years, as a widow, God gives, and God takes away. I've grown to realize that nothing is permanent in this life. I still believe in prayer and in miracles. But if my father in heaven takes it away, it's ok because he also gives me joy in this life, too.