Moments of Comfort in Grief

There were dreams, and then there were dreams that brought me comfort. Dreams where I'd see my former husband, Nelson, and know without a doubt that he was close by. I dreamt one night that I could see what he was doing in heaven, and that he was happy, healthy, and youthful. Other times, I'd cry to God for a sign. God never let me down. Nelson would come to me in a dream and wrap his arms around me. I'd know it was him by his embrace.

These moments of comfort kept my hope for eternal life alive. As the one year anniversary of Nelson's death approached, there seemed to be more moments of final comfort along with higher anxiety levels. These moments of comfort and anxiety were magnified in my life.

About 2 months before this monumental event of completing my first year of widowhood, my youngest daughter, Nicole, would be celebrating her seventh birthday. It would be the first birthday party I'd have to throw for one of my daughters by myself. Nelson always loved throwing the girls' birthday parties but now it was all up to me.  I didn't like it one bit. But it was time to suck it up and make it a memorable day for my seven year old.

We celebrated Nicole's birthday at the bowling alley, the day before her birthday. All of Nicole's friends showed up along with many of mine and Nelson's. The presence and support of my husband's friends emphasized Nelson's absence but also brought me peace to know how much we were loved. 

The comfort came the following morning. Nicole woke up on her birthday in a daze. "Mom!" Nicole's eyes opened wide. "I had a dream of Daddy! I was surfing at the beach. A huge wave came crashing over me and then Daddy came. He wrapped his arms around me and saved me! I felt him holding me, Mommy, he really hugged me. I could feel it!" Joy burst into my heart. Nicole felt a moment of comfort, too. And what better day but her birthday!

I believed that her father could have come to her and held her even if no one else believed it was real. The dream comforted us and helped us to go on. My children had their own grief journeys they were on and deserved to have their moments of comfort, too! Do you believe that dreams in grief are real, too?

When Prayers are Not Answered Our Way

I believe in prayer. I believe in miracles. But what if prayers don't get answered the way we want? Do we still believe?

I had a fairy tale life. I married my first husband, Nelson, in 1983. We waited a few years before having children so we could have our time. Our first daughter, Jessica, was born in 1987, and then, Nicole, in 1989. We were a happy family living our dreams!

So in 1990, when my husband was in a bad car accident that put him on disability for a year with back problems, life got a little shaky. There came a point when the doctor refused to give him any more pain meds and said he needed back surgery. He could barely get off the couch because of the pain. We were scared! And 22 years ago, surgery was riskier! So I began to pray!! I prayed in the shower, doing daily chores, while my daughters were napping, on my knees beside my bed, whenever I had the chance.

I became a prayer warrior. And as days, weeks, and months, went by, each day Nelson told me he felt a little better. He was eventually released to go back to work. Now that was a miracle from God!!

So fast forward to 1995. Nelson ends up in the hospital with pneumonia. More complications arise and he's put on a respirator. Well, the prayer warrior in me starts again. I believed, without a doubt, that God could heal him again. He did it once, so why wouldn't he do it this time? God had to heal him!

I continued to hold onto hope throughout the 3 weeks that Nelson was in the hospital. Up to the last day, I knew that if God wanted to, He could heal him. But He didn't. Nelson died after his lungs collapsed. My hope was gone, my dreams were shattered. God didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. Why not?  Dazed and numb, I couldn't understand God's answer at the time.

As I began to learn through the years, as a widow, God gives, and God takes away. I've grown to realize that nothing is permanent in this life. I still believe in prayer and in miracles. But if my father in heaven takes it away, it's ok because he also gives me joy in this life, too.