Friday the 13th this month...this year. It's been 17 years since the passing of my first husband. Seems like a life time ago. But when I open my book, that I condensed from my journals, I remember clearly how I felt during my grief journey. I have special memories that live close to my heart. Yes, I grieved deeply because I loved deeply. When I became a widow, for a long time I wanted to die a widow. No one could ever replace Nelson. No one could ever make me as happy!
About 6 months into my widowhood, I received my first phone call from a male. He was one of my friend's relatives that wanted to help me out. If he was one of Nelson's friends, I wouldn't have minded. But he didn't know Nelson, so why did he call? He left a voice message and freaked me out!! I didn't want the girls to hear a male's voice on our answering machine and I didn't want to talk to him!
I hysterically called my friend. "Tell him not to call me!" My heart was beating fast. I didn't want any man calling me unless they were Nelson's friends. Such a small matter in my life loomed like a skyscraper. You would have thought he was trying to force me to marry him. I never wanted to talk to any males on the phone, or date any males, and of course, NEVER marry anyone else. I told my girls that we didn't need any men around, and certainly didn't WANT any around either!
So how did I ever get remarried?? Here I am, 17 years later, happily married again and looking forward to our 3rd anniversary this June. I look back on those first couple years of widowhood. I wasn't going to budge. It was a process. And I do believe that for some widows, it is better not to remarry. There's nothing that feels more protecting than having God our father fill in as our husbands.
But there's this thing called human nature. I desired to love and to be loved. It took me a while to understand, but I finally realized that our hearts our big enough to love many people. Just as I love each of my daughters 100% each, I found out I could love another man 100%. Just as one child could never replace another child, my second husband will never replace my first. But that doesn't mean I love either one of them any less. It just means I'm blessed to have had 2 wonderful husbands!
What I did learn though, was that in order to love the second one 100%, you have to grieve the first completely. Each widow has her own time table and I recommend God as your guide. I could have made some really bad choices for our family but I choose the path less traveled by most. Continue on this journey with me and find out how I made it this far, with God's blessings, in a beautiful second marriage.