Saturday, April 28, 2012

A Yearning for my Past. Why?

 I wanna be a little girl again. I wanna play with my friends, swing on my swing set, catch lightening bugs on warm summer nights, play hopscotch in the middle of the road, and run through my neighborhood playing tag, until my mom calls me home at dusk. I was happy back then. I'm not always happy now. I don't want to be a WIDOW!

During my first year of widowhood, I had to visit my childhood neighborhood. I wanted to reconnect with past relationships. "Cindy! What a surprise!" Cathy hugged me and then looked at my daughters whom she never met. "They're beautiful! Please, come in and visit." I entered the living room and memories raced in from over 25 years ago. Their 2 daughters had been my first friends. I remembered playing dolls in their house and running outdoors playing hide and seek in the back yard.

Their daughter, Rachel, lived close by, so I decided to surprise her, too. "Surprise!" I smiled at my childhood friend that I hadn't seen in over 20 years. Rachel's familiar face was still as pretty as I remembered. "I can't believe it!" Rachel's eyes widened with shock. "My mom told me about your husband. I'm so sorry. Come in." Rachel was one of my sweetest friends. It was a warm reunion making a new memory.

One of my uncle's, who I hadn't seen in years, lived a few minutes from Rachel. I contacted him next and we met for lunch. Remembering past family reunions brought up memories of me as a little girl. Now with children of my own, our relationship had changed. During our meal, my thoughts drifted between conversations. I realized time doesn't stand still. I was on a search to connect with my past. But what was the purpose to connect with long time family and friends?

I soon realized Nelson didn't consume all of my past memories. There were a lot before I met him. Connecting to childhood family and friends helped to put my grief in a different perspective. My late husband was only part of my life...not my whole life. I had been happy being a child but I was also happy being a wife. And now I was finding bits of happiness reconnecting to my past before I was even married.

I think sometimes in our grief, we are so consumed with the loss of our loved one that we can't see any other joyful moments we've had in life. When we realize that our loved one is only part of our life, and not our whole life, we can begin to live more independently. I didn't even know Nelson for the first 17 years of my life. I came to realize that I was very happy at one time without Nelson. Then, I was happy for the years we were married. Now, I'm learning how to make more happy memories for my future as a widow. Time doesn't stand still. Let's strive for happier moments!

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