Don't Be a Vulnerable Widow Like I Was

During my first and second year of widowhood, I trusted most men that knew my former husband. I assumed the last thing they would ever do was disrespect him or me. I felt that Nelson's friends were my friends and we shared a connection. Little did I know, there were men, that knew my husband, and would wait for a vulnerable moment with a widow.

It happened to me one evening at a friend's birthday party. I knew everyone there and most of them had been Nelson's friends, also. I wasn't ready to date but I did enjoy the conversation and attention from other males.  My first mistake was trying a new drink that made me a little tipsy.

Caught off guard, a sympathetic friend, that knew Nelson, sat next to me. While we talked, he casually touched my shoulder and arm now and then. It seemed very innocent and I didn't think too much about it. But then, he touched my leg! Oh no! I didn't feel that was proper. I froze. Maybe it was an accident. He was married!

It happened a few more times. I felt it was inappropriate but I couldn't say anything to him. There were people all around us. How much more obvious could he be? I excused myself to the bathroom. When I stood up, I quickly grabbed the chair to catch my balance. Whew! I shouldn't have had that drink.

When I exited the bathroom into the dark, master bedroom, he was there... silently waiting. As he approached me, I slowly processed what was going on in my fuzzy mind. He clenched my arm. I pulled back. He tried to quietly convince me that I wanted and needed him. HOW DARE HE! I jerked away and escaped his hold relaying the message that I wasn't interested.

I bolted out of the bedroom. How could he think he'd get away with that? I should have said something on the first improper touch. That was the one and only time that ever happened to me. So widows beware!! If anyone else has a story to share that might help a vulnerable widow, please share.

I Just Wanted a Male Friend

Is there such a thing as having male friends when you're a grieving widow?? I guess it depends if that male is satisfied with only being a friend. As simple as this concept seemed, it felt more complicated. Having an enormous void in my life, from my husband's death over a year ago, I didn't want any committed relationship but a male friend would have been nice.

My new friend, Lisa, wanted to help. She had a single man in mind. In a vulnerable moment, I agreed to meet this man. The day landed on "Memorial Day", and it was a memory I'll never forget. We decided that both our families and "Phil" would meet at the pizzeria. This way, it wasn't actually a date.

My daughters, Jessica, 8 yrs old, and Nicole, 7 yrs old, intuitively knew something was up. Throughout lunch, they kept a close eye on me. Phil had a great sense of humor like my husband did. I liked that. But he wasn't as tall. I realized I was comparing Phil to my former husband and knew this wasn't fair to Phil.

"I had a good time, Phil," I said as we walked out to the parking lot. "It was nice meeting you." Nicole pulled on my arm towards our car to end any more conversation. Jessica glared at me while she fastened her seatbelt. "Mom...you're never going to marry again!" Nicole then added from the backseat, "And I'll kill anyone that tries to marry you!" As I replied, "He's just a friend."

Poor Phil...our first victim. A little over a week ago I said I wouldn't date anyone. I only wanted to meet Phil to become friends. But why did I want a male friend? I wasn't sure, but meeting a new man was kind of exciting.

I had started new relationships with girlfriends and decided it would be nice to have some guy friends. This I thought would satisfy a void. And could I stop with just being "friends"? I was hoping I could. Can any other widows relate?

What I couldn't have- My Best Friends' Husbands

I sense there are other widows that felt vulnerable after their spouses died just as I did. In my denial of grief, about the 3 to 4 month marker, I admit I started to yearn for a male's touch. If I didn't hold such high morals, and if my husband didn't have such good friends that held the same morals as I did, I could have easily gone down the wrong path and committed adultery with my best friends' husbands. They were hurting, and I was hurting, which makes for a very dangerous situation.

My daughters' school counselor had warned me before I began experiencing these feelings. "Don't be alarmed if some of your married girlfriends drift away from you," she said. "They may feel jealous that their husbands' attention is focused more on you than on them." "How sad," I replied. "I hadn't thought about that". She smiled and stood up. "I've known of that happening, so just a warning." We hugged good-by and I thanked her for the advice. I guess that meant...proceed with caution.

I soon yearned to be in the arms of the men that also loved Nelson. I wanted their attention and their hugs. No, I didn't want sex, but I wanted to be closer than what was acceptable as a grieving widow. One night, while visiting one of my closest girlfriends and her husband, I went too far. Lisa was tired and went to sleep, leaving me and Sal by ourselves. We talked and then took a walk around the block at midnight. He put his arm around me, only because I was bold enough to ask him.

The following morning, Lisa was quiet. The silence between us was uncomfortable. I persuaded Lisa to go out to breakfast. "I'm not jealous that you and Sal went for a walk. It's just that I envy the hours of conversation you had with him." She took a sip of coffee. "That's something I seldom have with my husband. I want it, too." I then understood exactly what the counselor meant. I apologized to Lisa and promised myself I could never do this again to Lisa or any of my other girlfriends.

At that point I felt frustrated as to why I was feeling and acting in such inappropriate ways. I ended up going to the bookstore for answers. Reading books helped me make sense of my behavior. I realized I had been transferring the attention and energy I would have given to Nelson, or received from Nelson, to someone else. It also stated that these attachments with inappropriate people could even lead to committing adultery. "Oh, no!" I couldn't believe I was reading this.

Since I was just beginning to come out of my shock and denial, I started to feel some emotion. I learned that using gratifications, to escape the emotional turmoil was common. I was still fighting grief because I didn't want to feel the pain. As I studied the stages of grief, only until the emotional pain was purged, could I then let go of my past and forward with my life. Oh, I knew I had a long way to go from this point. But I would just do it, with God's help, one day at a time!

Am I alone here, or has others felt exactly the same????