I sense there are other widows that felt vulnerable after their spouses died just as I did. In my denial of grief, about the 3 to 4 month marker, I admit I started to yearn for a male's touch. If I didn't hold such high morals, and if my husband didn't have such good friends that held the same morals as I did, I could have easily gone down the wrong path and committed adultery with my best friends' husbands. They were hurting, and I was hurting, which makes for a very dangerous situation.
My daughters' school counselor had warned me before I began experiencing these feelings. "Don't be alarmed if some of your married girlfriends drift away from you," she said. "They may feel jealous that their husbands' attention is focused more on you than on them." "How sad," I replied. "I hadn't thought about that". She smiled and stood up. "I've known of that happening, so just a warning." We hugged good-by and I thanked her for the advice. I guess that meant...proceed with caution.
I soon yearned to be in the arms of the men that also loved Nelson. I wanted their attention and their hugs. No, I didn't want sex, but I wanted to be closer than what was acceptable as a grieving widow. One night, while visiting one of my closest girlfriends and her husband, I went too far. Lisa was tired and went to sleep, leaving me and Sal by ourselves. We talked and then took a walk around the block at midnight. He put his arm around me, only because I was bold enough to ask him.
The following morning, Lisa was quiet. The silence between us was uncomfortable. I persuaded Lisa to go out to breakfast. "I'm not jealous that you and Sal went for a walk. It's just that I envy the hours of conversation you had with him." She took a sip of coffee. "That's something I seldom have with my husband. I want it, too." I then understood exactly what the counselor meant. I apologized to Lisa and promised myself I could never do this again to Lisa or any of my other girlfriends.
At that point I felt frustrated as to why I was feeling and acting in such inappropriate ways. I ended up going to the bookstore for answers. Reading books helped me make sense of my behavior. I realized I had been transferring the attention and energy I would have given to Nelson, or received from Nelson, to someone else. It also stated that these attachments with inappropriate people could even lead to committing adultery. "Oh, no!" I couldn't believe I was reading this.
Since I was just beginning to come out of my shock and denial, I started to feel some emotion. I learned that using gratifications, to escape the emotional turmoil was common. I was still fighting grief because I didn't want to feel the pain. As I studied the stages of grief, only until the emotional pain was purged, could I then let go of my past and forward with my life. Oh, I knew I had a long way to go from this point. But I would just do it, with God's help, one day at a time!
Am I alone here, or has others felt exactly the same????