Saturday, February 4, 2012

What I couldn't have- My Best Friends' Husbands

I sense there are other widows that felt vulnerable after their spouses died just as I did. In my denial of grief, about the 3 to 4 month marker, I admit I started to yearn for a male's touch. If I didn't hold such high morals, and if my husband didn't have such good friends that held the same morals as I did, I could have easily gone down the wrong path and committed adultery with my best friends' husbands. They were hurting, and I was hurting, which makes for a very dangerous situation.

My daughters' school counselor had warned me before I began experiencing these feelings. "Don't be alarmed if some of your married girlfriends drift away from you," she said. "They may feel jealous that their husbands' attention is focused more on you than on them." "How sad," I replied. "I hadn't thought about that". She smiled and stood up. "I've known of that happening, so just a warning." We hugged good-by and I thanked her for the advice. I guess that meant...proceed with caution.

I soon yearned to be in the arms of the men that also loved Nelson. I wanted their attention and their hugs. No, I didn't want sex, but I wanted to be closer than what was acceptable as a grieving widow. One night, while visiting one of my closest girlfriends and her husband, I went too far. Lisa was tired and went to sleep, leaving me and Sal by ourselves. We talked and then took a walk around the block at midnight. He put his arm around me, only because I was bold enough to ask him.

The following morning, Lisa was quiet. The silence between us was uncomfortable. I persuaded Lisa to go out to breakfast. "I'm not jealous that you and Sal went for a walk. It's just that I envy the hours of conversation you had with him." She took a sip of coffee. "That's something I seldom have with my husband. I want it, too." I then understood exactly what the counselor meant. I apologized to Lisa and promised myself I could never do this again to Lisa or any of my other girlfriends.

At that point I felt frustrated as to why I was feeling and acting in such inappropriate ways. I ended up going to the bookstore for answers. Reading books helped me make sense of my behavior. I realized I had been transferring the attention and energy I would have given to Nelson, or received from Nelson, to someone else. It also stated that these attachments with inappropriate people could even lead to committing adultery. "Oh, no!" I couldn't believe I was reading this.

Since I was just beginning to come out of my shock and denial, I started to feel some emotion. I learned that using gratifications, to escape the emotional turmoil was common. I was still fighting grief because I didn't want to feel the pain. As I studied the stages of grief, only until the emotional pain was purged, could I then let go of my past and forward with my life. Oh, I knew I had a long way to go from this point. But I would just do it, with God's help, one day at a time!

Am I alone here, or has others felt exactly the same????

8 comments:

Sandy said...

TJ and I owned a crane service for 11 years so I had lots of male friends. We worked in the construction industry so it made sense. There were a few that wanted to step into TJ's boots and I had to be very careful that I didn't let my grief and longing for that closeness ruin many friendships. It was hard to say no, as they were good friends and single, but I knew I wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship. Frankly, I am still not ready, although I do date. Many that I turned down have disappeared and that saddens me, but the true friends have stayed and we still hang out, they just know they are not welcome in TJ's boots and all is good.

Cindy Adams said...

Hey Sandy,
Thanks for sharing this. It REALLY does show WHO the true friends are! And WHO we can then call upon when we need help (Just like a brother)!!

Ferree Bowman Hardy said...

This is such good advice, so warmly put. I'll have to find out from you how I can share it!

Cindy Adams said...

Hi Ferree, I'm sure there are widows that won't talk about this but feel the same way I did. I can't be the only one!!

Anonymous said...

Yes I have also been there, that wanting to be close to his friends, and I am so grateful you wrote about it! I've been doing a lot of soul-searching on that very subject lately, and it is God's perfect timing that I should read your post today. Thank you!

Cindy Adams said...

Thank you for commenting with your honesty. It's unbelievable how much we have to fight those feelings. God does help us though get past them. God Bless You!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your story, Cindy. I've been recently widowed too, actually just 2 months. And I have overwhelming feelings of guilt that I yearn for the attention that I would ordinarily receive from my husband. With two teenage sons, it's even more scary when my thoughts wander in this direction.
It helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way, but I wonder if these feelings aren't popping up too soon for me...

Cindy Adams said...

No, I don't think your feelings are popping up too soon. I remember feeling the same way right about 2 months myself:( It's scary how it feels.