A Widow's Time to Surrender

I had come a long way in my widowhood. As time marched on in the second year, I had a new awakening. I heard in church one Sunday that a church friend's husband had died that week from a sudden heart attack. How sad. She's going to be a young widow like I am with 2 children. I finally understood why everyone was crying for me when Nelson died. They were not only sad for his death, but they were sad for me, too. At the time I didn't get it. I was in God's cocoon and couldn't see my future.

I felt like I broke out of my cocoon and transformed to a young butterfly. The pain was finally subsiding. I had accepted my loss and felt ready to make future plans. I needed to search my options for the coming year. I sensed there was nothing holding me back. My confidence was high. And just like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, there were heights I could reach that a caterpillar could only dream of.

I began to consider that college would be a smart choice for a new career goal. I had been a hairdresser and then a substitute teacher at an elementary schoool. I had taken one Spanish class about 20 years ago which was the extent of my college background! But now, I wanted a career to help people that were struggling with pain. I knew what that felt like. Perhaps obtaining a counseling degree. I was fortunate enough to have family and friends that provided me support in my grief.

I was at a place where I had to make new dreams and goals for my life. The ones I had were shattered and destroyed. But what if I started on my way with new goals and the same thing happens? What if I invest years of time into something that never materializes? I was 36 six years old. We're talking years of homework and sacrificing much of my social life. Would it be worth the years of effort?

Then I wondered, where did God want me to start? You would think I would have gotten it by now. I believed God was in control of it all. Why did I think or even consider that I could do it on my own. I had begun to realize that if I'm living in God's will for my life, everything goes smoothly and I feel His peace. When I'm going against His plan for my life, things don't work as well. This was not an easy lesson to learn. But I realized that it was time to surrender.

And WHY should I surrender? Because I knew if I prayed and listened carefully for God's direction, he would not lead me astray. I knew that whatever He had planned for my future He would give me the strength to do it. If I went against His will, there would be consequences. And afterall, my dreams and goals were already shattered once, why try to do it my way if it wasn't going to work anyway. Might as well surrender to God and find out what He wants to do with my life!

Lesson Learned From Widowed Friends

As a widow or not, we all have different groups of friends. I have school friends from grade school through grad school. I have coworker friends from different jobs as well as neighborhood friends I've made throughout the country. I have my Christian friends and church friends to feed my soul along with my special friends that are with me for the long haul. I can't forget about my Facebook and Twitter friends. And last but not least....my widow friends.

Now all my friends hold a very special place in my heart. And each one has a purpose in my life. Soon after my late husband died, I consciously looked for any of my widow friends to find out what life was going to be like. Now days, there are widow blogs and other social networking means to find a multitude of widows. Back in the day, I only had a few widow friends that I could talk to.

It made a world of difference to talk with others that have been on that road. It was a common bond of widowhood. It felt healing to share each other's experiences and recognize that life goes on. Reading other widows' stories helped me to understand some of my crazy feelings and unhealthy behaviors. Grief makes you do crazy stuff. So when you hear other widows that have gone wild, then you don't feel as crazy. I guess it's a little comforting to know that we're all looney!

There was one huge lesson I learned, from other young widows. It was easy for some of them to get involved, almost immediately, into a new relationship. For some it worked out but for others, it was a mistake. I understood very quickly how widows could easily fill their void with other men instead of living through the pain that's necessary for healing. I made up my mind, our healing would come first.

I lived single for another 14 years as I raised my children. My two daughters were 6 and 7 when their father died. Though I was totally against getting remarried for quite a while, God did bring another wonderful man into my life that I couldn't resist. However, this man was wise and he waited until my girls were adults before he proposed. And I believe that because my girls had their time to grieve with much of my undivided love and attention, they are now happy young ladies.

I understand that each widow's journey is different. I know some widows that are very happy and never remarried. I think the majority of widows do remarry because God made us to be relational. The lesson I learned here was when was my family's grieving period over so that I was ready to remarry.  Because I pursued God's will, I remained single and loved my children first. Now they are happy and on their own, and I'm happily remarried!