A Widow's Wake Up Call out of Denial

In my new grief, or should I say, before working through my grief, I found myself out of control. Can anyone relate? Before we want to accept our loss, some of us bury our grief by gratifying ourselves in ways so that we don't have to feel the pain. We find something that works, perhaps eating, shopping, working, drinking, etc. You get the picture. So every time the heartache starts, and we know what's coming, we find our gratifying friend. We may reach for another chocolate, spend a few extra hours at work, buy another outfit, or take that third or fourth drink that we know we shouldn't! Before long, we're on a vicious cycle that we can't stop!!

I relate this cycle to feeling like you're on a ride of some sort, going faster and faster, and you can't stop!! Mine felt like I was on a Merry-Go-Round. I knew I should get off, but I couldn't. It was like having an addiction with no control.

Two months after my husband passed, I took a cross-country road trip with my 2 young daughters. We drove from Florida to California. Nelson and I had married in California, our daughters were born there, and we lived there for 10 years. We had many friends on the West Coast, and I had a deep desire to see them. See my blog post, "Catch Me If You Can". My plan was a week to drive there, 5 weeks visiting friends and a week to drive back before my daughters went back to school.

My Merry-Go-Round started slow and then gained momentum. Before I realized it, I was out of control. I was spending my sympathy money on gambling, gained 20 lbs., and found myself having a drink every time I started to feel that tinge of pain. I tried to rationalize it by saying once I got back home, I would stop. I wasn't sure I believed myself, but it sounded good. I had planned to leave for home on a particular day so we would make it back to Florida for the girls to start school on time. As the day got closer to leave for home, the ache started again and I started to procrastinate.

"Instead of going home tomorrow, I've decided to stay an extra day," I said to Lisa, while relaxing on the lounge chair with a cold beer. "This way, we can celebrate your birthday tonight, and then I'll have a day to recuperate before getting on the road." Lisa agreed, so we went to a Mexican restaurant and stuffed ourselves with food and Margaritas that night. Once again, I succeeded in feeling no pain.

The last day came. I sat on a bar stool and watched Lisa prepare our final dinner. Suffering from a hangover, I held my head up in my hands with my elbows firmly on the counter for support. My head, like my life, was spinning out of control. All of a sudden, the front door swung open with a bang. Lisa's three boys ran in, screaming, "Nicole broke her arm! Nicole broke her arm!" My mouth dropped open at the ghastly sight! Nicole calmly entered the foyer as she awkwardly held her disfigured arm close to her body. It was twisted around backward and out of place!

At that moment, I fell off my Merry-Go-Round and crashed to the ground. The accident happened on a Thursday night at 8:00 p.m. Nelson died on a Thursday night at 8:00 p.m. If I had left California when I had originally planned this wouldn't have happened! I felt like someone hit me over the head and awakened me from a deep sleep. It felt like an alarm clock going off. "Hello!" I envisioned God saying. "Are you still there? You have children to take care of. It's time to wake up. They need you!" God grabbed my attention. It felt like He yanked me off my merry-go-round, and I hit the ground with my head still spinning.

Nicole went through surgery and had to get pins placed in her arm. I had to step up to my responsibilities and take care of my children. I worked through my guilt knowing that God would forgive me. Nicole's arm healed perfectly. The doctor had his doubts, explaining it was the worst break an arm could have. I had to put my trust back in God, and know that He would help me through. He did! I used this situation as an opportunity to get my life back on track.

So when we each have our own wake-up call, we can turn it into an opportunity. We finished our ride and it's time to stand up on our own feet and take on our responsibilities. So what was your wake-up call? Was it rehab? Hitting the scale at 200 lbs.? Getting into debt from shopping? Losing your home from gambling? Losing a friend from adultery? Getting physically sick from working too much? We each have our own story to tell. Use it as an opportunity to get unstuck and move on through grief!

Top 10 Lessons I Learned from Grief

#10  I didn't care what anyone thought about how I grieved:
        Grief made me go crazy for a while. I was selfish and self-centered. Thankfully, my family and friends supported me through and took care of my children until I came to my senses.

#9  I prayed:
      I soon realized that I couldn't do it on my own. I needed God's help. (Sounds like a 12 step program!)In my prayers, I not only talked to God, but I learned how to listen to Him and heed His advice.

#8 I had to rethink my priorities:
     Grief taught me what was most important in my life. God became my number one priority. I then treasured my family and relationships that I still had here. My two daughters were my main concern.

#7 Time doesn't heal all wounds:
     It's not about time. There are people who are still living in grief 17 yrs. later. Unless you do the grief work, with God's help, you'll continue to grieve. God is our healer who helps to heal our wounds.

#6  My loved one was only part of my life, not my whole life:
      Traveling to visit family and friends brought me my first moments of joy. Many I knew before I even knew my loved one. I realized there was a lot more to my life than just my married life.

#5  Joy and pain coexist:
      As I found myself feeling more joyful, a special day would bring back the pain. A birthday, a holiday, an anniversary day, my daughters' dance recitals, my daughters' graduations. It's OK. The pain makes me remember the beautiful memories.

#4  God uses suffering for good to help us grow:
      God has used me as a witness to bring others to Christ through my grief.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

#3  Life is temporary here:
      Some day, I will lose another loved one. I will grieve again. But I have faith that my eternal home will be in Heaven. It will be a permanent place to reunite with my loved ones that have gone before.

#2  God is in control:
      I've surrendered my life over. God's in control of everything anyway. There's no "What ifs...?" My life and everyone else's life is in His hands. I trust He knows best. He'll always have the last word!

And the #1 lesson I've learned from grief is:

# 1  It's time to serve others and pass on the comfort that I received:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Are there more lessons anyone wants to add??