Getting Back on the Grief Track

As though waking up with a hangover from a four-week binge, embarrassment swept through me realizing how much I had neglected my daughters. My daughter's broken arm because of my negligence, proved the only way I'd wake up and snap out of the harmful habits that had controlled me. Now, I sat silently in the emergency waiting room like a child anticipating her father's punishment. "I know, God, that you're in control of the outcome. I can't even pray. The way I behaved this past month, why would you even listen to me?" I was living on instant gratifications. As much as I regretted the consequence, this wake-up call was needed to throw me off the destructive ride I was on.

I was going on four months of being a widow. The numbness was beginning to wear off. I didn't want the pain to surface so I did it my way. I ran from it as long as I could. I ran faster and faster until my world crashed! Like being thrown from a Merry-Go-Round ride, I now sat on the ground stunned. My world was still spinning and I sat waiting for my equilibrium to return. I had to pick myself up and make a decision of what to do next.

So what were my options? I very well could have got back on my ride. Picking a drink up, or a couple, would have helped ease the pain and cover up some embarrassment. But I couldn't do this to my daughters anymore. Here they were without a father, and were basically without a mother for the past 4 months. I had to find it within me to get a grip. But I couldn't do it on my own. I needed God's help and I needed to surrender to His will. I knew that deep down life would go a lot smoother and easier if I could trust God with my whole heart. He'd help me get back on track. And it was time to grieve.

I surrender, God. I'm ready to work through grief. I trust that you'll take care of me and my family.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)

This was a promise I made to my children. They needed at least a mother to be there for them. It wasn't just about ME! I had sacrifices to make and was determined that all three of us had to survive grief.

A Widow's Wake Up Call out of Denial

In my new grief, or should I say, before working through my grief, I found myself out of control. Can anyone relate? Before we want to accept our loss, some of us bury our grief by gratifying ourselves in ways so that we don't have to feel the pain. We find something that works, perhaps eating, shopping, working, drinking, etc. You get the picture. So every time the heartache starts, and we know what's coming, we find our gratifying friend. We may reach for another chocolate, spend a few extra hours at work, buy another outfit, or take that third or fourth drink that we know we shouldn't! Before long, we're on a vicious cycle that we can't stop!!

I relate this cycle to feeling like you're on a ride of some sort, going faster and faster, and you can't stop!! Mine felt like I was on a Merry-Go-Round. I knew I should get off, but I couldn't. It was like having an addiction with no control.

Two months after my husband passed, I took a cross-country road trip with my 2 young daughters. We drove from Florida to California. Nelson and I had married in California, our daughters were born there, and we lived there for 10 years. We had many friends on the West Coast, and I had a deep desire to see them. See my blog post, "Catch Me If You Can". My plan was a week to drive there, 5 weeks visiting friends and a week to drive back before my daughters went back to school.

My Merry-Go-Round started slow and then gained momentum. Before I realized it, I was out of control. I was spending my sympathy money on gambling, gained 20 lbs., and found myself having a drink every time I started to feel that tinge of pain. I tried to rationalize it by saying once I got back home, I would stop. I wasn't sure I believed myself, but it sounded good. I had planned to leave for home on a particular day so we would make it back to Florida for the girls to start school on time. As the day got closer to leave for home, the ache started again and I started to procrastinate.

"Instead of going home tomorrow, I've decided to stay an extra day," I said to Lisa, while relaxing on the lounge chair with a cold beer. "This way, we can celebrate your birthday tonight, and then I'll have a day to recuperate before getting on the road." Lisa agreed, so we went to a Mexican restaurant and stuffed ourselves with food and Margaritas that night. Once again, I succeeded in feeling no pain.

The last day came. I sat on a bar stool and watched Lisa prepare our final dinner. Suffering from a hangover, I held my head up in my hands with my elbows firmly on the counter for support. My head, like my life, was spinning out of control. All of a sudden, the front door swung open with a bang. Lisa's three boys ran in, screaming, "Nicole broke her arm! Nicole broke her arm!" My mouth dropped open at the ghastly sight! Nicole calmly entered the foyer as she awkwardly held her disfigured arm close to her body. It was twisted around backward and out of place!

At that moment, I fell off my Merry-Go-Round and crashed to the ground. The accident happened on a Thursday night at 8:00 p.m. Nelson died on a Thursday night at 8:00 p.m. If I had left California when I had originally planned this wouldn't have happened! I felt like someone hit me over the head and awakened me from a deep sleep. It felt like an alarm clock going off. "Hello!" I envisioned God saying. "Are you still there? You have children to take care of. It's time to wake up. They need you!" God grabbed my attention. It felt like He yanked me off my merry-go-round, and I hit the ground with my head still spinning.

Nicole went through surgery and had to get pins placed in her arm. I had to step up to my responsibilities and take care of my children. I worked through my guilt knowing that God would forgive me. Nicole's arm healed perfectly. The doctor had his doubts, explaining it was the worst break an arm could have. I had to put my trust back in God, and know that He would help me through. He did! I used this situation as an opportunity to get my life back on track.

So when we each have our own wake-up call, we can turn it into an opportunity. We finished our ride and it's time to stand up on our own feet and take on our responsibilities. So what was your wake-up call? Was it rehab? Hitting the scale at 200 lbs.? Getting into debt from shopping? Losing your home from gambling? Losing a friend from adultery? Getting physically sick from working too much? We each have our own story to tell. Use it as an opportunity to get unstuck and move on through grief!

A Surprise on my First Cry...Coincidence?

Only a few tears had slipped out during my first month of widowhood. Between the shock, numbness, and God's cocoon of peace I was wrapped in, I kept my explosive emotions buried. As the numbness wore off, I felt a stirring from deep within. I began to feel so much pressure inside, similar to a car's radiator that starts seething, and you must slowly let the cap off to allow the pressure to slowly escape.

My first real cry came on May 13th, the first month anniversary. I still couldn't believe it happened. I sat on the sofa beside my husband's empty recliner. My hands steadied the warm mug on the armrest. Nelson always made our Saturday morning coffee. Now, unbearable sadness clung to me as I smelled the coffee aroma. "Where are you? It's Saturday morning." I hypnotically stared at Nelson's chair.

"Get out of my room!" Jessica, my 7 yr. old, screamed at her sister. "I'll hit you!"

I looked to the ceiling, "The kids are fighting. You're not here to help anymore!"

I ran to my bedroom and threw myself on the bed. My clenched fists pounded the pillows. Tears poured out. "This isn't fair! Nelson, why did you have to die? I love you and miss you so much!" The shock wore off and reality flooded in.

Through tearful eyes I stared at eleven years of family portraits on my bedroom walls. I thrashed on the bed tossing back and forth while sobbing relentlessly. Morning turned into afternoon with no relief. Nicole, my 6 yr. old, walked in late that afternoon and leaned over my bed. "Mommy, can I get you a Tylenol?" Her innocent young face peered into my tearful eyes. "Will that make you feel better?"

Before I could answer, there was a loud crash. Nicole whipped around. A family portrait had fallen off the bedroom wall. I sat up in disbelief. "It's one of our family pictures...the four of us!" Shock, momentarily paralyzed me. Did Nelson make this happen? What were the chances this would happen on the first cry AND the first day I spent grieving in bed? What caused the picture to fall? Was it a coincidence or did Nelson and God hear my cries of anguish? I'd never felt such deep grief.

"Dear Lord, I know Nelson can't come back. I have to let him go. I need your help!"

Whether this was a mere coincidence or a sign from above, it gave me peace and comfort that Nelson was close by. There were many more occurrences in the first few months. I felt it was God's way of helping me to let go. I'd love to hear from others if you have a similar story of coincidence or sign from above to share. It gives me goose bumps when I hear them!

What I couldn't have- My Best Friends' Husbands

I sense there are other widows that felt vulnerable after their spouses died just as I did. In my denial of grief, about the 3 to 4 month marker, I admit I started to yearn for a male's touch. If I didn't hold such high morals, and if my husband didn't have such good friends that held the same morals as I did, I could have easily gone down the wrong path and committed adultery with my best friends' husbands. They were hurting, and I was hurting, which makes for a very dangerous situation.

My daughters' school counselor had warned me before I began experiencing these feelings. "Don't be alarmed if some of your married girlfriends drift away from you," she said. "They may feel jealous that their husbands' attention is focused more on you than on them." "How sad," I replied. "I hadn't thought about that". She smiled and stood up. "I've known of that happening, so just a warning." We hugged good-by and I thanked her for the advice. I guess that meant...proceed with caution.

I soon yearned to be in the arms of the men that also loved Nelson. I wanted their attention and their hugs. No, I didn't want sex, but I wanted to be closer than what was acceptable as a grieving widow. One night, while visiting one of my closest girlfriends and her husband, I went too far. Lisa was tired and went to sleep, leaving me and Sal by ourselves. We talked and then took a walk around the block at midnight. He put his arm around me, only because I was bold enough to ask him.

The following morning, Lisa was quiet. The silence between us was uncomfortable. I persuaded Lisa to go out to breakfast. "I'm not jealous that you and Sal went for a walk. It's just that I envy the hours of conversation you had with him." She took a sip of coffee. "That's something I seldom have with my husband. I want it, too." I then understood exactly what the counselor meant. I apologized to Lisa and promised myself I could never do this again to Lisa or any of my other girlfriends.

At that point I felt frustrated as to why I was feeling and acting in such inappropriate ways. I ended up going to the bookstore for answers. Reading books helped me make sense of my behavior. I realized I had been transferring the attention and energy I would have given to Nelson, or received from Nelson, to someone else. It also stated that these attachments with inappropriate people could even lead to committing adultery. "Oh, no!" I couldn't believe I was reading this.

Since I was just beginning to come out of my shock and denial, I started to feel some emotion. I learned that using gratifications, to escape the emotional turmoil was common. I was still fighting grief because I didn't want to feel the pain. As I studied the stages of grief, only until the emotional pain was purged, could I then let go of my past and forward with my life. Oh, I knew I had a long way to go from this point. But I would just do it, with God's help, one day at a time!

Am I alone here, or has others felt exactly the same????