Only a few tears had slipped out during my first month of widowhood. Between the shock, numbness, and God's cocoon of peace I was wrapped in, I kept my explosive emotions buried. As the numbness wore off, I felt a stirring from deep within. I began to feel so much pressure inside, similar to a car's radiator that starts seething, and you must slowly let the cap off to allow the pressure to slowly escape.
My first real cry came on May 13th, the first month anniversary. I still couldn't believe it happened. I sat on the sofa beside my husband's empty recliner. My hands steadied the warm mug on the armrest. Nelson always made our Saturday morning coffee. Now, unbearable sadness clung to me as I smelled the coffee aroma. "Where are you? It's Saturday morning." I hypnotically stared at Nelson's chair.
"Get out of my room!" Jessica, my 7 yr. old, screamed at her sister. "I'll hit you!"
I looked to the ceiling, "The kids are fighting. You're not here to help anymore!"
I ran to my bedroom and threw myself on the bed. My clenched fists pounded the pillows. Tears poured out. "This isn't fair! Nelson, why did you have to die? I love you and miss you so much!" The shock wore off and reality flooded in.
Through tearful eyes I stared at eleven years of family portraits on my bedroom walls. I thrashed on the bed tossing back and forth while sobbing relentlessly. Morning turned into afternoon with no relief. Nicole, my 6 yr. old, walked in late that afternoon and leaned over my bed. "Mommy, can I get you a Tylenol?" Her innocent young face peered into my tearful eyes. "Will that make you feel better?"
Before I could answer, there was a loud crash. Nicole whipped around. A family portrait had fallen off the bedroom wall. I sat up in disbelief. "It's one of our family pictures...the four of us!" Shock, momentarily paralyzed me. Did Nelson make this happen? What were the chances this would happen on the first cry AND the first day I spent grieving in bed? What caused the picture to fall? Was it a coincidence or did Nelson and God hear my cries of anguish? I'd never felt such deep grief.
"Dear Lord, I know Nelson can't come back. I have to let him go. I need your help!"
Whether this was a mere coincidence or a sign from above, it gave me peace and comfort that Nelson was close by. There were many more occurrences in the first few months. I felt it was God's way of helping me to let go. I'd love to hear from others if you have a similar story of coincidence or sign from above to share. It gives me goose bumps when I hear them!
2 comments:
Hi Cindy:
I have experienced many signs since my daughter Jeannine died in 2003. They were always a product of what was going on with me in the present moment. The one that stands out was during my youngest son's graduation from high school in 2006. The song"I Hope You Dance" was played by the school orchestra. This song was also Jeannine's tribute song at her funeral. During the song, I also had a brief vision of Jeannine as a child, smiling and dancing under a clear blue sky. At that moment, I knew that I was going to be ok and my family was going to be ok in the aftermath of her death. Love your blog and look forward to more.
Hi Dave, that gave me goose bumps! So many songs were part of my signs as well!!
I just posted another blog, you'll have to check it out because I thought of your blog post...If I would have left California when planned, my daughter would not have broken her arm. But then again, it helped me to fall off my destructive ride I was on and take on my responsibilities!
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