First Male Caller- Poor Guy! I've Come a Long Way!

Friday the 13th this month...this year. It's been 17 years since the passing of my first husband. Seems like a life time ago. But when I open my book, that I condensed from my journals, I remember clearly how I felt during my grief journey. I have special memories that live close to my heart. Yes, I grieved deeply because I loved deeply. When I became a widow, for a long time I wanted to die a widow. No one could ever replace Nelson. No one could ever make me as happy!

About 6 months into my widowhood, I received my first phone call from a male. He was one of my friend's relatives that wanted to help me out. If he was one of Nelson's friends, I wouldn't have minded. But he didn't know Nelson, so why did he call? He left a voice message and freaked me out!! I didn't want the girls to hear a male's voice on our answering machine and I didn't want to talk to him!

I hysterically called my friend. "Tell him not to call me!" My heart was beating fast. I didn't want any man calling me unless they were Nelson's friends. Such a small matter in my life loomed like a skyscraper. You would have thought he was trying to force me to marry him. I never wanted to talk to any males on the phone, or date any males, and of course, NEVER marry anyone else. I told my girls that we didn't need any men around, and certainly didn't WANT any around either!

So how did I ever get remarried?? Here I am, 17 years later, happily married again and looking forward to our 3rd anniversary this June. I look back on those first couple years of widowhood. I wasn't going to budge. It was a process. And I do believe that for some widows, it is better not to remarry. There's nothing that feels more protecting than having God our father fill in as our husbands.

But there's this thing called human nature. I desired to love and to be loved. It took me a while to understand, but I finally realized that our hearts our big enough to love many people. Just as I love each of my daughters 100% each, I found out I could love another man 100%. Just as one child could never replace another child, my second husband will never replace my first. But that doesn't mean I love either one of them any less. It just means I'm blessed to have had 2 wonderful husbands!

What I did learn though, was that in order to love the second one 100%, you have to grieve the first completely. Each widow has her own time table and I recommend God as your guide. I could have made some really bad choices for our family but I choose the path less traveled by most. Continue on this journey with me and find out how I made it this far, with God's blessings, in a beautiful second marriage.

2 Widow's Pursuits Down- 1 More to Go

About 2 years into widowhood, 1997, I began to accept the fact, that my husband was no longer my husband, and the dreams and goals I had for us no longer existed. So I had to formulate new goals. These were my top 3:

1) Raising my daughters (Completed)
2) Going back to school for a second career (Completed)
3) Writing a book that there's more to life than grief  (In Process)

I enjoyed being a hairdresser, but the job required more nights and weekends than I was willing to work as a single parent. As I healed from grief, I realized that I wanted to help others with their struggles so I went back to school to become a social worker. I completed my first pursuit in 2010. Yes, it took 13 yrs to complete my master's degree and pass my LMSW exam! This past year in 2011, I began my social work career as a medical social worker in a home health agency. I love it!

Now for raising my daughters!! I'm not sure which pursuit required more sacrifices! I read that children took on the average, 4 and a half years to grieve the loss of a parent. In our 3rd year, when my daughters were 8 and 9 years old, we moved to Puerto Rico and lived with my in-laws for a year. I wanted them to have a strong bond with their father's family. I moved for them. Not that I didn't enjoy living on an island for a year, but I had to place other goals on hold that I wanted to pursue.

Then there were the rebellious and teenage years! Ahhh!! On several occasions my oldest daughter ran away from home. And on several occasions I threatened her that I would send her back to live in Puerto Rico. Many times, I counted the days until my youngest would turn 18 years old. I thought on that magic day, my parental responsibilities would end. My friends told me this wasn't true. They were right. It took my girls to be 22 and 24 years old, before I could say I was done!

I believe that one of my purposes here on earth, having been blessed to have children, is to raise them and prepare them for God's kingdom. It took until last week, January 8, 2012, for the last of my 2 children to go to church, ON THEIR OWN, and finally realize the importance of a relationship with Jesus. My second pursuit completed! Whew! That wasn't an easy one!!

Now I'm working on my last pursuit. I have the desire to share my story with other widows. It hasn't been an easy journey, but with God's help and guidance, there was so much more hope for my future. I've written my book, now I'm in the publication process. Our sermon last week, from Andy Stanley, pastor from North Point Community Church couldn't have said it better. He asked us what our "One Thing in 2012" was, that we should not be distracted from completing. A verse he quoted from the Bible to help us focus was from Nehemiah 6:3..."I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down."

A Unique Journey Through Grief

I've been widowed and you may have been widowed. But my journey will be different than your journey. There are similarities we can talk about....the empty chair at the dinner table, lonely nights and weekends, holidays and anniversaries, becoming head of the household and making ALL the decisions, and of course...what to do with my life now!?

Grief is kind of like figuring out how to get from one place to another. Say, from the East Coast to the West Coast. The most logical way would be to fly or drive and find a straight route to get there as quick as possible. But for everyone that makes the trip, no two trips will be exactly the same. Some people will take different routes, stay at different motels, eat at different restaurants along the way. Then some may never make it across at all. They'll get lost on their journey and end up somewhere they don't want to be. These are all variations of grief journeys.

So how did our family celebrate the first year of holidays without daddy? My daughters and I took a 4 week road trip to visit family and friends within 7 states. Reuniting with loved ones gave us joy that softened our pain. As I hear others tell their stories, I heard as many variations as there were widows. Each one had a different and unique way of getting through the holidays. Such is the life of grief!!

So what do we see when we reach our destination? Hopefully, if we completed our grief successfully, we will have reaped what we sowed and know we made a purposefilled journey. Life is good again and joy returns!

What's something that makes your grief so unique?