Dating vs. Children...What's a Widow's Priority?

I finally got to the place, in my second year of widowhood, that I felt ready to date. I had broken the attachment I had with my late husband. I found someone that I was interested in and felt some happy moments. We first met at a party and from there, our friendship grew from our phone calls. When he asked me out for our first date, I took some time to think about it. This was a big step.

Once I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be in a dating relationship, I was ready to go out with this new man. I think he sensed my hesitation in the beginning. We had to reschedule our first date due to bad weather for a boat ride so I patiently waited for the next opportunity. The day finally came. He asked me to go out that following Wednesday night for dinner and a boat ride.

Oh no! That was my daughter's, birthday. I recently felt that I had been taken care of my children's physical needs of being fed, clothed, and involved in activities, however, I also felt I'd been depriving them of their emotional needs. I already planned that I would be spending the day with Jessica on her birthday.

I couldn't believe I waited so long to go out with this man, and of all days! Why Wednesday? My heart sank. "I'm gonna have to pass. I'm so sorry. Can we do it next week?" A silent moment passed. "I'll call you back." He never did.

Our timing was off. I may have felt ready to date, but it couldn't be my priority. My daughters needed me. They didn't need their mother giving attention to a man; they needed their mother giving attention to them. I had to rebuild a relationship with my children before building a relationship with a new man.

I'm here to tell you many years later, that raising children on my own was one of the hardest jobs I've ever had to do. I was able to build such strong bonds with each of my daughters that we are very best friends today. If I hadn't taken them as my priority, to let them both know just how special they were, I'm not sure they would have the self-confidence and joyful spirit that they have today.

Look How Far I've Come. What Next?

Since this past January, I've shared with you my first year of widowhood. Which also meant, living through the hardest part of grief. It was all about me and trying to see through the fog that had engulfed me. It was like, I couldn't really see where I was going. I made some wrong turns, went off course, (sometimes waaaaayyyyyy off course), got back on track, then stumbled on my way again.

Looking back, part 1 of my journey was over. It was similar to walking through the thickest part of the forest and I was beginning to see light filtering through the trees. I still had a ways to go as I continued on. I had to make a new life in part 2. This required accepting I was a widow. Hated that word! I preferred to think of myself as an independent woman that had an agenda to pursue.

In pursuing new goals and dreams, there were new awakenings that caught me off guard. I began making new friends but ran into problems when I not only made new girlfriends, but wanted male friends, too. This became very confusing. So then began new experiences of dating, a vulnerable situation, new male relationships, and what to do with my rings.

And just like I had no idea what to do in the first steps of being a widow, the second part felt just as foreign. Please continue my journey with me as I figure out where I want to go in life. How do I make new dreams? What kind of goals is God leading me to? What are my new priorities in life? And how do I reach the completion of grief and go beyond to find abundant joy and purpose?

I do confess that by this time, in my second year, I'm trying to follow God's plan for my life. And where I end up, I couldn't have been happier or more purpose filled. You'll soon find out that I've written a book and I'm currently in the process of getting it published. Again, it's all in God's timing.

Stay tuned next week for the beginning of part 2 of the new challenges I had to face. You can also type in your e-mail address (see blog's right side) and automatically get my blog posts e-mailed to you every week. Also, please join my site if you're able to. This shows me who stops by and reads my posts. That means a lot to me:) 

Writing the Memories

During my first year of widowhood, memories of my husband flooded in from happier days. They were crystal clear...like our family vacations. We frequently flew to Puerto Rico to visit his parents. They would occasionally babysit and we'd run off to the beach for some time alone. I'd lie on the beach and listen to the Salsa music playing from the close-by, beachfront establishments. Nelson would play a few games of pool and then bring me back some yummy food.

Then there were the memories that came before the holidays. I'd remember Nelson just loved Thanksgiving! The more family and friends around him, the merrier he was. I reflected on one particular Thanksgiving with our friends, Lisa and Sal. We laughed so much that day that probably our sides hurt. Maybe you won't think it was as funny. But there are those times that you just had to be there.

Nelson and I arrived for Thanksgiving dinner just as Lisa ran out of milk for mashed potatoes. An hour later, when Lisa poured more milk in the cold potatoes to mash them, all she managed to get were lumps. Giggles in the kitchen became contagious. When the turkey was done, Sal lifted up the gizzard bag that he forgot to remove. Once we composed ourselves from laughing, we sat down to eat. For Lisa's next birthday, I included a box of instant mashed potatoes!

I could tell more stories. It's been 17 years since my late husband passed. I can remember the details because I wrote them down. In the first year of painful grief, every day I wrote the memories while I cried many tears. This helped me to progress through grief and now I have these memories forever with me. From the happy times to what I remembered when Nelson was dying in the hospital.

I believe that writing your memories is one way to become unstuck in your grief. I think sometimes we don't want to forget special moments we've had with our loved one and we keep our thoughts constantly on them, clinging to every detail. If we can get in a habit to write them down, it would be easier to move on. We would know that if the memories are written down, whether in a private journal or public blog, we could go to them whenever we felt the need.

Writing down memories takes time and courage. It's making a conscious effort to make it a priority. It takes guts, too. The tears will come and this helps you grieve. As you write the past this makes it easier to let go and move forward. These treasured memories will always be with you. And one day, as you read them, instead of crying tears, a smile will spread across your face!