I sense there are other widows that felt vulnerable after their spouses died just as I did. In my denial of grief, about the 3 to 4 month marker, I admit I started to yearn for a male's touch. If I didn't hold such high morals, and if my husband didn't have such good friends that held the same morals as I did, I could have easily gone down the wrong path and committed adultery with my best friends' husbands. They were hurting, and I was hurting, which makes for a very dangerous situation.
My daughters' school counselor had warned me before I began experiencing these feelings. "Don't be alarmed if some of your married girlfriends drift away from you," she said. "They may feel jealous that their husbands' attention is focused more on you than on them." "How sad," I replied. "I hadn't thought about that". She smiled and stood up. "I've known of that happening, so just a warning." We hugged good-by and I thanked her for the advice. I guess that meant...proceed with caution.
I soon yearned to be in the arms of the men that also loved Nelson. I wanted their attention and their hugs. No, I didn't want sex, but I wanted to be closer than what was acceptable as a grieving widow. One night, while visiting one of my closest girlfriends and her husband, I went too far. Lisa was tired and went to sleep, leaving me and Sal by ourselves. We talked and then took a walk around the block at midnight. He put his arm around me, only because I was bold enough to ask him.
The following morning, Lisa was quiet. The silence between us was uncomfortable. I persuaded Lisa to go out to breakfast. "I'm not jealous that you and Sal went for a walk. It's just that I envy the hours of conversation you had with him." She took a sip of coffee. "That's something I seldom have with my husband. I want it, too." I then understood exactly what the counselor meant. I apologized to Lisa and promised myself I could never do this again to Lisa or any of my other girlfriends.
At that point I felt frustrated as to why I was feeling and acting in such inappropriate ways. I ended up going to the bookstore for answers. Reading books helped me make sense of my behavior. I realized I had been transferring the attention and energy I would have given to Nelson, or received from Nelson, to someone else. It also stated that these attachments with inappropriate people could even lead to committing adultery. "Oh, no!" I couldn't believe I was reading this.
Since I was just beginning to come out of my shock and denial, I started to feel some emotion. I learned that using gratifications, to escape the emotional turmoil was common. I was still fighting grief because I didn't want to feel the pain. As I studied the stages of grief, only until the emotional pain was purged, could I then let go of my past and forward with my life. Oh, I knew I had a long way to go from this point. But I would just do it, with God's help, one day at a time!
Am I alone here, or has others felt exactly the same????
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Denial in Grief: Catch Me if You Can!
Once the shock and numbness wore off after my husband's death, it felt like adrenaline began pumping through my body at an accelerated speed. It wasn't time to accept what happened. Nor was it time to feel the pain...because it was going to be explosive. And I wasn't sure I could handle it. So I had to run from it!
So what would make me feel good and forget my pain for a while? For some widows, it might be shopping or working. For me, it was going on road trips to visit family and friends. It had been 2 months that I had become a young widow. I HATED THAT WORD! We had lived in California prior to living in Florida so my intent was to visit my friends I hadn't seen for a few years. It started out as an innocent summer trip, cross country, from Florida to California, with my 2 daughters.
The more friends I reunited with on our trip, the more joy I felt. I quickly realized, this numbed my pain. When I began to slow down, I'd feel an ache. This made me run faster. I began to overindulge in drinking, eating, and gambling. We also drove to Las Vegas to visit family. After unlimited rum and cokes one evening, and not remembering how much money from sympathy cards I had spent on slot machines, I was running at full speed and had no intentions of slowing down.
Once we left Las Vegas, and were returning to California for one more week, I felt like I was on a Merry-Go-Round and couldn't get off. I knew I was running out of control, but I couldn't stop. If I stopped, I knew I'd feel the pain. The faster I ran, the harder it was for me to stop. I was on a high while seeing friends, eating good food, and drinking to numb any kind of pain that was trying to surface. I tried to convince myself that I could keep up the pace, and grief would never catch up.
But probably everyone knew, including me deep down, that grief would eventually catch up. It usually does. I couldn't run forever. I could only take so many trips. Money would run out. I did have to buy new clothes after summer because I gained 20 lbs.! And I didn't like the way hangovers felt. So at the end of that summer it all came to a stop. With God's help, I believe He pushed me off my ride and showed me that it was time to open my heart and grieve.
So what would make me feel good and forget my pain for a while? For some widows, it might be shopping or working. For me, it was going on road trips to visit family and friends. It had been 2 months that I had become a young widow. I HATED THAT WORD! We had lived in California prior to living in Florida so my intent was to visit my friends I hadn't seen for a few years. It started out as an innocent summer trip, cross country, from Florida to California, with my 2 daughters.
The more friends I reunited with on our trip, the more joy I felt. I quickly realized, this numbed my pain. When I began to slow down, I'd feel an ache. This made me run faster. I began to overindulge in drinking, eating, and gambling. We also drove to Las Vegas to visit family. After unlimited rum and cokes one evening, and not remembering how much money from sympathy cards I had spent on slot machines, I was running at full speed and had no intentions of slowing down.
Once we left Las Vegas, and were returning to California for one more week, I felt like I was on a Merry-Go-Round and couldn't get off. I knew I was running out of control, but I couldn't stop. If I stopped, I knew I'd feel the pain. The faster I ran, the harder it was for me to stop. I was on a high while seeing friends, eating good food, and drinking to numb any kind of pain that was trying to surface. I tried to convince myself that I could keep up the pace, and grief would never catch up.
But probably everyone knew, including me deep down, that grief would eventually catch up. It usually does. I couldn't run forever. I could only take so many trips. Money would run out. I did have to buy new clothes after summer because I gained 20 lbs.! And I didn't like the way hangovers felt. So at the end of that summer it all came to a stop. With God's help, I believe He pushed me off my ride and showed me that it was time to open my heart and grieve.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
SHOCK! Safe in God's Cocoon
I glanced up toward the hospital ceiling, "Can you see me? Do you know that you died? Are you hovering over me, or did you go towards the light?"
I believed my husband's death marked a time to rejoice. I felt that we'd all be in heaven one day and see our family and friends again. Why should we cry? What's so sad about death? My only sadness was for my fatherless children.
As I settled in for the first night as a widow, I lay staring at the ceiling. "Nelson, where are you? Can you hear me? I wish I'd die, too, so we could go to heaven together." My thoughts raced back and forth all night between imagining my husband's adventure to heaven and planning his memorial service. The joy I felt came from knowing he no longer lived in pain but in eternal peace. I kept thinking, "How cool is that! Isn't that where we all hope to be one day if we're Christians?"
I tried to stay in this spiritual realm for as long as possible. I felt happy, safe, and peaceful. Besides, it looked so dreadful how family and friends were mourning. I wanted to stay in my happy place and be happy for my husband. Because of my faith, I knew that he was ok. I realized that my family and friends needed to grieve in their own ways, even if I didn't understand. Probably many of them couldn't comprehend God's cocoon I was living in that sheltered me from the pain.
"Cindy, I've watched you today," said Fran, a friend from church. "You're a tremendous witness for God. I see how He's filled you with strength and peace. I noticed how you shared your faith, hope and beliefs to others."
For a month, God did fill me with His strength and peace. I could not have done it on my own. I only wished I could have stayed in His cocoon forever!
I believed my husband's death marked a time to rejoice. I felt that we'd all be in heaven one day and see our family and friends again. Why should we cry? What's so sad about death? My only sadness was for my fatherless children.
As I settled in for the first night as a widow, I lay staring at the ceiling. "Nelson, where are you? Can you hear me? I wish I'd die, too, so we could go to heaven together." My thoughts raced back and forth all night between imagining my husband's adventure to heaven and planning his memorial service. The joy I felt came from knowing he no longer lived in pain but in eternal peace. I kept thinking, "How cool is that! Isn't that where we all hope to be one day if we're Christians?"
I tried to stay in this spiritual realm for as long as possible. I felt happy, safe, and peaceful. Besides, it looked so dreadful how family and friends were mourning. I wanted to stay in my happy place and be happy for my husband. Because of my faith, I knew that he was ok. I realized that my family and friends needed to grieve in their own ways, even if I didn't understand. Probably many of them couldn't comprehend God's cocoon I was living in that sheltered me from the pain.
"Cindy, I've watched you today," said Fran, a friend from church. "You're a tremendous witness for God. I see how He's filled you with strength and peace. I noticed how you shared your faith, hope and beliefs to others."
For a month, God did fill me with His strength and peace. I could not have done it on my own. I only wished I could have stayed in His cocoon forever!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
2 Widow's Pursuits Down- 1 More to Go
About 2 years into widowhood, 1997, I began to accept the fact, that my husband was no longer my husband, and the dreams and goals I had for us no longer existed. So I had to formulate new goals. These were my top 3:
1) Raising my daughters (Completed)
2) Going back to school for a second career (Completed)
3) Writing a book that there's more to life than grief (In Process)
I enjoyed being a hairdresser, but the job required more nights and weekends than I was willing to work as a single parent. As I healed from grief, I realized that I wanted to help others with their struggles so I went back to school to become a social worker. I completed my first pursuit in 2010. Yes, it took 13 yrs to complete my master's degree and pass my LMSW exam! This past year in 2011, I began my social work career as a medical social worker in a home health agency. I love it!
Now for raising my daughters!! I'm not sure which pursuit required more sacrifices! I read that children took on the average, 4 and a half years to grieve the loss of a parent. In our 3rd year, when my daughters were 8 and 9 years old, we moved to Puerto Rico and lived with my in-laws for a year. I wanted them to have a strong bond with their father's family. I moved for them. Not that I didn't enjoy living on an island for a year, but I had to place other goals on hold that I wanted to pursue.
Then there were the rebellious and teenage years! Ahhh!! On several occasions my oldest daughter ran away from home. And on several occasions I threatened her that I would send her back to live in Puerto Rico. Many times, I counted the days until my youngest would turn 18 years old. I thought on that magic day, my parental responsibilities would end. My friends told me this wasn't true. They were right. It took my girls to be 22 and 24 years old, before I could say I was done!
I believe that one of my purposes here on earth, having been blessed to have children, is to raise them and prepare them for God's kingdom. It took until last week, January 8, 2012, for the last of my 2 children to go to church, ON THEIR OWN, and finally realize the importance of a relationship with Jesus. My second pursuit completed! Whew! That wasn't an easy one!!
Now I'm working on my last pursuit. I have the desire to share my story with other widows. It hasn't been an easy journey, but with God's help and guidance, there was so much more hope for my future. I've written my book, now I'm in the publication process. Our sermon last week, from Andy Stanley, pastor from North Point Community Church couldn't have said it better. He asked us what our "One Thing in 2012" was, that we should not be distracted from completing. A verse he quoted from the Bible to help us focus was from Nehemiah 6:3..."I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down."
1) Raising my daughters (Completed)
2) Going back to school for a second career (Completed)
3) Writing a book that there's more to life than grief (In Process)
I enjoyed being a hairdresser, but the job required more nights and weekends than I was willing to work as a single parent. As I healed from grief, I realized that I wanted to help others with their struggles so I went back to school to become a social worker. I completed my first pursuit in 2010. Yes, it took 13 yrs to complete my master's degree and pass my LMSW exam! This past year in 2011, I began my social work career as a medical social worker in a home health agency. I love it!
Now for raising my daughters!! I'm not sure which pursuit required more sacrifices! I read that children took on the average, 4 and a half years to grieve the loss of a parent. In our 3rd year, when my daughters were 8 and 9 years old, we moved to Puerto Rico and lived with my in-laws for a year. I wanted them to have a strong bond with their father's family. I moved for them. Not that I didn't enjoy living on an island for a year, but I had to place other goals on hold that I wanted to pursue.
Then there were the rebellious and teenage years! Ahhh!! On several occasions my oldest daughter ran away from home. And on several occasions I threatened her that I would send her back to live in Puerto Rico. Many times, I counted the days until my youngest would turn 18 years old. I thought on that magic day, my parental responsibilities would end. My friends told me this wasn't true. They were right. It took my girls to be 22 and 24 years old, before I could say I was done!
I believe that one of my purposes here on earth, having been blessed to have children, is to raise them and prepare them for God's kingdom. It took until last week, January 8, 2012, for the last of my 2 children to go to church, ON THEIR OWN, and finally realize the importance of a relationship with Jesus. My second pursuit completed! Whew! That wasn't an easy one!!
Now I'm working on my last pursuit. I have the desire to share my story with other widows. It hasn't been an easy journey, but with God's help and guidance, there was so much more hope for my future. I've written my book, now I'm in the publication process. Our sermon last week, from Andy Stanley, pastor from North Point Community Church couldn't have said it better. He asked us what our "One Thing in 2012" was, that we should not be distracted from completing. A verse he quoted from the Bible to help us focus was from Nehemiah 6:3..."I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down."
Saturday, January 7, 2012
When Prayers are Not Answered Our Way
I believe in prayer. I believe in miracles. But what if prayers don't get answered the way we want? Do we still believe?
I had a fairy tale life. I married my first husband, Nelson, in 1983. We waited a few years before having children so we could have our time. Our first daughter, Jessica, was born in 1987, and then, Nicole, in 1989. We were a happy family living our dreams!
So in 1990, when my husband was in a bad car accident that put him on disability for a year with back problems, life got a little shaky. There came a point when the doctor refused to give him any more pain meds and said he needed back surgery. He could barely get off the couch because of the pain. We were scared! And 22 years ago, surgery was riskier! So I began to pray!! I prayed in the shower, doing daily chores, while my daughters were napping, on my knees beside my bed, whenever I had the chance.
I became a prayer warrior. And as days, weeks, and months, went by, each day Nelson told me he felt a little better. He was eventually released to go back to work. Now that was a miracle from God!!
So fast forward to 1995. Nelson ends up in the hospital with pneumonia. More complications arise and he's put on a respirator. Well, the prayer warrior in me starts again. I believed, without a doubt, that God could heal him again. He did it once, so why wouldn't he do it this time? God had to heal him!
I continued to hold onto hope throughout the 3 weeks that Nelson was in the hospital. Up to the last day, I knew that if God wanted to, He could heal him. But He didn't. Nelson died after his lungs collapsed. My hope was gone, my dreams were shattered. God didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. Why not? Dazed and numb, I couldn't understand God's answer at the time.
As I began to learn through the years, as a widow, God gives, and God takes away. I've grown to realize that nothing is permanent in this life. I still believe in prayer and in miracles. But if my father in heaven takes it away, it's ok because he also gives me joy in this life, too.
I had a fairy tale life. I married my first husband, Nelson, in 1983. We waited a few years before having children so we could have our time. Our first daughter, Jessica, was born in 1987, and then, Nicole, in 1989. We were a happy family living our dreams!
So in 1990, when my husband was in a bad car accident that put him on disability for a year with back problems, life got a little shaky. There came a point when the doctor refused to give him any more pain meds and said he needed back surgery. He could barely get off the couch because of the pain. We were scared! And 22 years ago, surgery was riskier! So I began to pray!! I prayed in the shower, doing daily chores, while my daughters were napping, on my knees beside my bed, whenever I had the chance.
I became a prayer warrior. And as days, weeks, and months, went by, each day Nelson told me he felt a little better. He was eventually released to go back to work. Now that was a miracle from God!!
So fast forward to 1995. Nelson ends up in the hospital with pneumonia. More complications arise and he's put on a respirator. Well, the prayer warrior in me starts again. I believed, without a doubt, that God could heal him again. He did it once, so why wouldn't he do it this time? God had to heal him!
I continued to hold onto hope throughout the 3 weeks that Nelson was in the hospital. Up to the last day, I knew that if God wanted to, He could heal him. But He didn't. Nelson died after his lungs collapsed. My hope was gone, my dreams were shattered. God didn't answer my prayers the way I expected Him to. Why not? Dazed and numb, I couldn't understand God's answer at the time.
As I began to learn through the years, as a widow, God gives, and God takes away. I've grown to realize that nothing is permanent in this life. I still believe in prayer and in miracles. But if my father in heaven takes it away, it's ok because he also gives me joy in this life, too.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A New Year and a Fresh Start
A New Year is here. 2012. To me, a new year means a new beginning and a fresh start. Most years, I make the usual new year's resolution of losing weight to fit into my favorite jeans. And some years, I just have to start life ALL over!
When I was about 1 and a half to 2 years into my widowhood, I began to accept the death of my first husband and had to begin making new plans for a new future as a single mom. This was not as simple as going on a diet to lose a few pounds or making a goal to go on an exotic vacation. This was a life-changing, earth-moving, role transformation, that I did not sign up for!
About that time, there was a program at the local college for newly divorced women and widows called, "Fresh Start Program". It helped show me opportunities and options for my future plans. And with God's help, I pursued and conquered all of my dreams and goals. I raised my daughters on my own, (with God's help) and put myself through college to earn a master's degree. My daughters are now adults, living on their own, and I'm pursuing my second career in social work.
So this new year is not only about losing a few pounds but it's also about a fresh start in my life to make more dreams and goals come true. For Christmas, my darling daughter, gave me a Groupon, for a Tandem Skydiving Session! YIKES!! Now I love rollar coasters and motorcycling riding, but....SKYDIVING???? My friend, Trish, says,"Oh, do it, and then check it off your bucket list!"
A bucket list, hmmmm...... I've worked hard for many years. It's time to have more future fun which includes traveling to fun and exciting places. So I'm deciding to make my bucket list and the kick off will be skydiving in the spring! It will be my new and fresh start to the New Year and my future years. After all, I don't think I can fit my 10 top trips (Paris, Italy, Hawaii, California, NY, LV, PR, Bahamas, Key West and a Carribean Cruise) all into one year!
So 2012 is here! A New Year! A new beginning! A fresh start! So, no matter where you are on the life cycle, it's time to plan for the future. Is it time to plan your bucket list? Or is it time to restructure your life and start fresh again? Oh, and it's a good idea to pray about these things. If it's in God's plan, too, you'll have much better results. Trust me on this one!!!
When I was about 1 and a half to 2 years into my widowhood, I began to accept the death of my first husband and had to begin making new plans for a new future as a single mom. This was not as simple as going on a diet to lose a few pounds or making a goal to go on an exotic vacation. This was a life-changing, earth-moving, role transformation, that I did not sign up for!
About that time, there was a program at the local college for newly divorced women and widows called, "Fresh Start Program". It helped show me opportunities and options for my future plans. And with God's help, I pursued and conquered all of my dreams and goals. I raised my daughters on my own, (with God's help) and put myself through college to earn a master's degree. My daughters are now adults, living on their own, and I'm pursuing my second career in social work.
So this new year is not only about losing a few pounds but it's also about a fresh start in my life to make more dreams and goals come true. For Christmas, my darling daughter, gave me a Groupon, for a Tandem Skydiving Session! YIKES!! Now I love rollar coasters and motorcycling riding, but....SKYDIVING???? My friend, Trish, says,"Oh, do it, and then check it off your bucket list!"
A bucket list, hmmmm...... I've worked hard for many years. It's time to have more future fun which includes traveling to fun and exciting places. So I'm deciding to make my bucket list and the kick off will be skydiving in the spring! It will be my new and fresh start to the New Year and my future years. After all, I don't think I can fit my 10 top trips (Paris, Italy, Hawaii, California, NY, LV, PR, Bahamas, Key West and a Carribean Cruise) all into one year!
So 2012 is here! A New Year! A new beginning! A fresh start! So, no matter where you are on the life cycle, it's time to plan for the future. Is it time to plan your bucket list? Or is it time to restructure your life and start fresh again? Oh, and it's a good idea to pray about these things. If it's in God's plan, too, you'll have much better results. Trust me on this one!!!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
How I was lifted from Sorrow and found Peace
Foot-
Prints
In The Sand
One night I had a
dream. I was walking along
the beach with the Lord, and across
the skies flashed scenes from my life.In each
scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the
sand. One was mine, and one was the Lord's.
When the last scene of my life appeared
before me, I looked back at the footprints
in the sand, and, to my surprise,
I noticed that many times along the path of
my life there was only one set of footprints.
And I noticed that it was at
the lowest and saddest times
in my life. I asked the Lord
about it: "Lord, you said
that once I decided to
follow you, you would
walk with me all the way.
But I notice that during
the most troublesome
times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why
you left my side when I
needed you most." The
Lord said: "My precious
child, I never left you dur-
ing your time of trial.
Where you see only
one set of footprints,
I was carrying
you."
Prints
In The Sand
One night I had a
dream. I was walking along
the beach with the Lord, and across
the skies flashed scenes from my life.In each
scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the
sand. One was mine, and one was the Lord's.
When the last scene of my life appeared
before me, I looked back at the footprints
in the sand, and, to my surprise,
I noticed that many times along the path of
my life there was only one set of footprints.
And I noticed that it was at
the lowest and saddest times
in my life. I asked the Lord
about it: "Lord, you said
that once I decided to
follow you, you would
walk with me all the way.
But I notice that during
the most troublesome
times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why
you left my side when I
needed you most." The
Lord said: "My precious
child, I never left you dur-
ing your time of trial.
Where you see only
one set of footprints,
I was carrying
you."
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